Dreaming of the Future

I have a secret board on Pinterest.  It is called “Dreaming.”  It is where I collect the many ideas out there that I’d like to have at my wedding.  Yes, there I said it: I want to get married.  More specifically, I want to marry Treun.  I want to spend the rest of my life with this man, going to bed with him at night, waking up with him in the morning, and spending what is in between together.  It is getting harder and harder to leave him at the close of the evening.  It is getting more and more difficult to drive away to find my own bed while he crawls into his own.  It just doesn’t feel right any more.

In one way it feels too soon.  We’ve been together for almost eight months.  He helped me on my journey through hell and back when I was so sick.  We’ve spent countless hours together.  But I think to myself, “It’s only been eight months!  How do I know he won’t change the minute he marries me?”  I still have that left-over from Bubba.

Then I sit and think about it.  There are simply no red flags with Treun.  There is no unease in my gut that I’m trying to ignore.  Trust me, I’ve looked.  The first few months were spent analyzing everything he said and did, just waiting to see the first hint of a red flag.  My gut was screaming at me while I was dating Bubba.  I simply didn’t know what it was trying to say.  I’d not been taught to look for signs of bad things in guys so when my gut was trying to tell me to run away, I had no clue what it meant.

Now, I know what to listen for from my gut.  I know what to look for.  I know how manipulation works.  I just don’t see anything from Treun that can be construed as run-away worthy.  He has good boundaries, he is kind and caring, and he is a good man.  The only problem is that we’ve both been so hurt in the past that we are moving slowly and we both still find it hard to talk about the future.  We are making huge strides in this area but neither of us is willing to start that conversation yet.  And that is ok.

I’ve often heard, “How do you eat an elephant?”  Well, the answer is, “One bite at a time.”  That is what Treun and I are doing.  We are eating this elephant one tiny bite at a time. Small conversations here and there.  I happened to mention the fact that I don’t want a diamond when an engagement ring commercial came on the other day.  We’ve talked about turning his house into a rental and buying a house together.  We talk about whether living together or getting married would be better.  No, we haven’t made any definite plans but we are having the talks, slowly chewing away.

For now, I sit here and collect things on Pinterest and dream about marrying him someday.  I don’t know if he thinks about it as much as I do but I can tell from our small conversations that he’s considering everything too.

Oh, look at those beautiful shoes!  I must go pin that!

One Year Ago

I was reading old posts and came to “The Party and the Great Big Realization.”  Wow!  I’m simply shocked by the difference a year has made.  It’s been a year since Sean was in my life and we were doing the dance around each other.

A year ago I struggled with needing him in my life.  I hated myself for needing a man.  I felt defective and broken.  Celia’s words were still so strong in my head.  It was a tumultuous time for me.  Wanting Sean in a physical way, knowing he wasn’t good for me, was just hard on so many levels.

This year is totally different.  Treun has been in my life for over half a year now and I have absolutely no problem admitting that I need him in my life.  I have no problem admitting that I want him.  There is no angst, no hearing Celia’s words in my head.  Where Treun is concerned, I feel like I’ve found my other half.  Yes, it has taken quite a few months to get to the point but I am comfortable in needing Treun in my life, in leaning on him, in relying on him.  It feels natural to do so now.

A year ago I was still fighting my body’s need for sex, for physical closeness.  This year, I embrace it.  I think the difference is in the man.  Sean just wasn’t the man for me and it feels like Treun was made for me.

There is no drama with Treun.  Just the opposite, in fact.  When I’m with Treun, I feel peace and calm.  Even as I was debating with myself about telling him I love him, when I was with him, the voices in my head calmed and were quiet.

This past week was a doozy.  Dealing with what would’ve been my anniversary and finding out Luke was engaged were hard.  I bawled my eyes out.  The next day when I was with Treun, I thought I’d have to do more crying because I didn’t feel done.  Yet, as soon as I saw him and he wrapped me up in his strong arms, all the terribleness that had been in me melted away.  As soon as I saw him again, I didn’t care that Luke was engaged.  As soon as I saw him, it didn’t matter that Bubba is an ass who tried to destroy my life.  I realized that Treun is what matters now.

Now, a year after that time with Sean, I feel like things are right with my world.  I remember the angst and the yearning and the fighting myself from last year.  I remember never being sure of Sean and whether he’d be there for me when I needed him.  Now I have a man who I know will absolutely be there when I need him.  There is no doubt in my mind.  He shows up on time, he doesn’t stand me up, he doesn’t walk out the door and disappear for two weeks.  He is reliable and caring and here for me.

Treun is a wonderful man and he makes me ridiculously happy.

Too Many Emotions

Today would’ve been our anniversary.  Over two decades we’d have been married had he not chosen to remain an abusive asshole.  Today, I’m angry.  Today, I’m mourning.  Today, I feel a little sick.

I think I’ve been so busy for so long just being happy to be free of the nightmare that was being married to Bubba that I haven’t let myself look back and really mourn.  Sure there was the mourning that I did while I was married to him that made it easier to just be thankful to be out, but since I left, I’ve confined my mourning to small moments here and there.  I’ve never really let myself mourn because there never really was anything to mourn.

Today I am mourning what we should’ve had if Bubba had been different.  Had he chosen to get healthy and truly changed from being an abuser to someone who learns a different way, we could’ve had a very different day today.  Our children wouldn’t be as scarred as they are now.  They could be healing too instead of being re-traumatized all the time because Bubba is still abusing them.

I mix that in with being so happy with Treun and my head is spinning.  It is hard to reconcile mourning the family the Bubba destroyed while simultaneously being deliriously happy with Treun.

If that wasn’t enough, I decided to take a look at Luke’s FB page.  You see, I took him out of my newsfeed eons ago because it was just too painful to watch him live his life knowing I’d never be a part of it.  Then when Treun and I got together I had no big interest in seeing what he was up to beyond the few times he would comment on one of my statuses or I’d share something funny with him.  Well, I looked today and he got engaged the other day.

So I sit here sobbing my eyes out that Luke got engaged.  I hope he is happy but it drives home the fact that we really, really weren’t meant to be together.  He didn’t want me.  I’ve carried a torch for him since Junior High.  The first time he got married, I cried myself to sleep the day I found out.  This brings back all that pain.  No matter how happy I am with Treun and how much I love him, there will always be something special about Luke.  It is what it is.  Luke played a pivotal part in my healing and he will always have a special place in my heart.  He just does.

I’m sitting here angry with Bubba and mourning what he robbed us of while saying good-bye to Luke once again while loving Treun so much I feel like my heart is overflowing.  Being a feeler, this is actually painful to me.  All of these emotions bombarding me is like drowning and not being able to hit the surface of the water long enough to take a life-sustaining breath.  I’m getting little gasps and all of me hurts with the effort to not let the feelings take over completely.

It hurts.  Tonight everything hurts.  I need the emotions to go away and leave me in peace.  I need to not feel everything so intensely.

Back Child Support

I logged into my bank the other day to check on things.  I used to just look at it twice a month since I pretty much know what I have in there.  I’m buying gifts for Christmas with cash I’d saved over the past few months but need to buy a few things online.  I needed to make sure I have enough money to be able to buy what I want without it impacting my ability to pay rent soon.

I logged on and saw that my balance was thousands of dollars.  What?  Huh?  What?  How is this possible?  My first thought was that work added an extra digit to my paycheck or just plain keyed it in wrong.  I clicked on the checking link to see what deposits had been made to find a substantial deposit made to my account.  Then I looked at who had deposited it.  Child Support Services.

I’m pretty sure my jaw hit the table and bounced onto the floor.  Bubba was around $9,000 in arrears and here he is, making a huge payment.  This brings him down to about $3,000 in arrears.  Again I ask, What??????  Where in the blue fuck did he get the money to pay this lump sum?  As far as I know he was fired again a few months ago and here he is paying a nice chunk of change.

Something is up.

Bubba never does anything that doesn’t suit his purposes.  I wish I could think of Bubba in a positive light.  I wish I could look at this and think, “Wow!  He finally wants to be a good man and a good dad and take care of his kids.”  Sadly, my experience with Bubba is more along the lines of, “What the fuck is he up to now?”  Really.  What is in it for him?

Part of me is scared that the state finally caught up to him and made him sell off some possessions in order to pay this debt.  If this wasn’t 100% voluntary on Bubba’s part to pay this, what will the repercussions be to the children?  How would he take it out on them?  And what is he going to say to the kids to try to poison them against me now?

I am thrilled that money will no longer be an issue.  I can save and pinch pennies with the best of them.  This gives me a nice nest egg and a safety net.  It gives me peace of mind.  I’m not holding my breath that Bubba will get caught up or continue to pay regularly.  I’m just going to enjoy the fact that I have a good, healthy savings again after having had it depleted by my illness.

I never thought I’d be this financially stable AFTER I divorced.  These past nearly two years have seen times of being very worried about how to provide for my kids but through it all I’ve still been more financially stable than I ever was married to Bubba.  I will take this money and use it for the good of our family.  I will make sure to stash enough away for a rainy day.

I will put away worry about what Bubba is up to.  Bubba will do what Bubba will do.  There is nothing I can do about it except play damage control whenever his true intentions come out.  He isn’t worth the time I’d spend worrying about him.

I Have to Process The Surgery

Last night Treun and I were laying in bed relaxing after having a very nice time.  I love nothing more than laying naked beside him, snuggling and touching and coming down off the shared high of love making.  I’d gotten up to get something and hopped back up on the bed and walked across it toward him on my knees.  As I was moving toward him he said, “I’ve put some weight on you, Hopey.  It looks really good.  You were getting too skinny.”  He said this with great pride in himself.  He sees it as him taking care of me.

Somehow, though, all that registered in my head was that I was fat.  I know it was the Ghost of Abuses Past coming to attack again.  It was the years of subtle digs by Bubba that had me diving under the covers and telling Treun that I felt self-conscious and never wanted to be naked in front of him again.  The Ghost whispered that I was fat and ugly and that no one would ever love me.  The only one who could ever see past my “grossness” had always been Bubba.  He’d make sure to say it in such a way that I could never put my finger on it.  It was so insidious and he was so good at it that it is hard to describe how I could feel that way all those years.  Now here I was, being complimented by the man who genuinely loves me and I was freaking out.

It wasn’t until after I got home and starting chatting with Endellion that my brain began its path of twists and turns to get from Treun telling me I’d put on some weight to realizing that I need to process the surgery and what happened to me.

The truth is that I’ve very effectively buried thinking about the surgery and what it meant.  I told Endellion that I wished for death, even knowing what it meant for the kids.  I have so much guilt over that.  My death would mean the kids going to live with Bubba – exactly what I fought so hard against during the divorce.  Yet, there I was ready to ship them off to him if someone would’ve just offered me an end.  I would’ve gladly signed them over to Bubba, done whatever it took to simply be done with the pain.

Endellion argues that it was the pain talking – not me.  She said that pain changes our brain chemistry and that it wasn’t ME who wanted to die, it was the pain.  I know how much pain I was in and I know what I was willing to do to not be in it anymore.  I told Endellion that I don’t know how to work through this.  I don’t know where to start.  Even having her tell me this does NOT make the guilt go away.  Usually Endellion can logic cannon me and show me my faulty thinking.  It isn’t working this time.  The guilt is there as big as ever.

And now that I’m writing it out I think it stems from the fact that I was very, very close to actually dying.  I was literally digesting my own organs.  I still could have life-long repercussions from that bile leak that I may not discover for years.  I simply don’t know. I do know that I came very close to dying.  It is twisted in my head that I was only a small step away from getting what I wanted – the release of death.  How I asked for it, longed for it, begged for it is something that I’ll have to live with for the rest of my life; knowing that I came so close to getting what I asked for is something that I don’t want to deal with.

I just know that I do have to deal with it.  I know that burying this is manifesting itself in physical symptoms that I haven’t had to deal with since before I left Bubba.  My eczema is out of control like it hasn’t been since before I left.  I’m not sleeping well.  I’m exhausted all the time.  I have no energy.  This may all be caused by other health problems so I’m going to have some blood work done today to check everything since I haven’t had anything checked since before my surgery.  I want to rule that out if I can.  I just know that what I’m experiencing is beyond what my blood work could possibly show.  I know the physical consequences of burying stress.  I lived with them for years.  I’m starting to live with them again.

This is unacceptable to me.  Burying things is not the person I am now.  I have to deal with this but frankly, I don’t know how.  Once again, I know that it is important for me to get back into counseling.  I just don’t know how I’m going to find the time to do it.  I have one evening a week that I could fit it in.  Today I start my search for a counselor.  I’m not looking forward to it. I’m not looking forward to opening this up.  I just know I have to do it.  The one consolation in this is that, hopefully, I can go forward with counseling without opening up the past.  I don’t want to revisit the past with a new counselor.  I don’t want to get into the huge background of stuff that has me recounting my years in an abusive marriage.  I just want to deal with the surgery and get it worked out.

I hope that it is possible.  I hope that I can find a counselor who can work with my weird schedule.  Either that or I need to figure this out on my own.  I just know that I won’t know until I try.

Making Plans

Treun and I started talking.  I can’t remember how the conversation started but we ended up talking about the pros/cons of getting married vs. living together.  I’d asked him to run to the local used bookstore with me because I needed to find one more Christmas present for Serenity.  We looked around, I bought what I was looking for, and we got back in his car.  That is when the conversation started.

We’ve been talking about home improvements in his house. We have talked about replacing the carpet with woods floor, totally gutting the kitchen and redesigning the whole thing, painting, enclosing the loft for more privacy.  We’ve previously talked about me not wanting to move into his house because of the history there as he lived with his ex-wife and kids there for a few years before his divorce and the fact that it is in a different school district than I’m in now.  The practical part of me sees the advantages in doing the home improvements and making it “our” house and I think I’m fine with that.  We’ve discussed ways to get Liam to/from school if we can get special permission to keep him in his current school.

But we’ve never broached the subject of marriage/living together.  Until yesterday.  There are so many factors that have to come into play when we move toward making this decision.  There is health insurance and taxes and school districts and physically moving and merging our stuff and Bubba.

Treun has a specialized health insurance and he isn’t sure that he can cover step-kids.  This shouldn’t even be an issue since Bubba is court-ordered to provide health insurance but the fact is that Bubba has not had them on health insurance in nearly 18 months.  I’ve been providing it through my state’s low cost program.  I pay a premium each month that should not be mine to pay.  It is dependent on income so if Treun and I get married, the children would no longer qualify for this health insurance.  If Treun can’t add them, I’d have to add them to my plan at work and that is pricey.  If Treun can add all of us, that would be a good check in the marriage column.

Taxes are another big factor.  We would have to sit down and crunch the numbers and see which is going to work better for us.  With Bubba being as far behind as he is in child support, I heavily rely on my tax refund for a safety net.  I can’t have that impacted until he consistently helps support his kids.

Moving school districts is the most major part of our combining households that I have to consider.  Liam is about a year and a half away from being able to drive himself to/from school if we move districts and can get special permission to stay at his current school.  Treun and I would have to figure out how to get him to/from school until Liam is old enough to get himself there and back.  But the bigger concerning factor is Shane.  I have an amazing team at Shane’s current school who are all dedicated to helping Shane succeed in school.  We’ve worked hard together over the past two school years to get Shane the help he needs.  Moving him to another school before I have to is a huge consideration.  He has two more years left at this school before he moves up to the next level.  Am I willing to move him and hope the team at the other school is as good and caring and dedicated as the one at his current school?  I simply don’t know.

Then there is Bubba.  One can’t predict how he will react and what he will do.  So far, we’ve been able to keep my relationship with Treun a secret from Bubba.  He’s been constantly accusing me of having a varied string of boyfriends since we split but he’s never had anything concrete to lash out against because I’ve never had a boyfriend before now.  He sent me so many emails over the past two years accusing my friends/boyfriends of molesting the kids that I have a feeling that will be his first line of attack when he finds out about Treun.  The simple fact is that while he can cause a headache if he would make serious accusations and involve either the courts or CPS, he risks more for himself than anything.  The children felt very unheard while we were going through the divorce.  They will tell their story.  They will tell how Treun has been wonderful to me and to them.  Shane, especially, will be very vocal about it and also about the fact that his dad is mean and yells a lot.  While I don’t welcome whatever Bubba could send my way, I’m not afraid of it either.  It is just something Treun and I need to be aware of.

Right now we aren’t discussing a time line for all this to happen.  We’re having fun talking about the future and how we can merge our lives (getting rid of kitchen ware and buying all new stuff for one!).  We’re taking the kids into consideration because they are the most important part of this puzzle.  How to make this future transition as easy as possible on the kids is our top priority.  It is a lot to think about and a lot to work out.  We have so much more talking and planning to do.  We’re just in the beginning stages of this.

I’m excited!  When I left Bubba I never thought I’d date again let alone get married and here I am talking about doing just that!  I’m still amazed that men like Treun exist.  I’m still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that he loves me.  It’s just so different than anything I ever experienced before and I’m so happy we found each other in this crazy world!

Retroactive Guilt

I woke up this morning and decided to check Facebook before I got started with my day.  I saw that Treun had posted a few new pictures and decided to check them out.

They were old pictures from his time in the military – one official one in his dress uniform and a few from a time overseas in his camo.  He was more than 10 years younger than he is now and wow!  I guess I love a man in uniform.  He was so sexy in those pictures.

Then it hit me.  He was hers back then.  He was still happily married, with two children at home.  Then another thought hit me.  I was still married too with two very small children at home.  Yet, I wasn’t happily married.  Those pictures were taken at the same time that I wrote that one journal entry where I was so absolutely miserable and feeling so trapped.

Hello guilt! I’m sitting here finding another woman’s husband attractive while I was still married.  NO!  That was then, this is now.  It doesn’t matter what was going on in our lives then.  I can look back at pictures of him from then and I don’t have to feel guilty because I didn’t even know him back then.  I am doing nothing wrong now.

The guilt that Celia taught is so deep-seated and ingrained that it even gives me retroactive guilt!  How can I feel guilty for my feelings now even though they were not then?  Hell, I didn’t even know Treun back then.  Exactly!  It makes no sense!  As you sit there and shake your head at how my brain even came up with this, I sit here fighting that Ghost.  I hear the voice of that Ghost screaming in my head, “You shouldn’t find him attractive because he was hers then.  You are lusting after a married man.  He had that picture taken then went home and made love to her.  Those hands that you are drooling over?  They were on her a mere few hours after that picture was taken.  You have no right to him.”

I’m trying to tell myself that we are together now.  Looking at old pictures does NOT make me some kind of cheater.  I know who we both are and had we bumped into each other back then, absolutely nothing would’ve happened between us because that isn’t who either of us are.  Neither of us are cheaters.  Yes, we love each other now but back then, it wouldn’t even have entered our minds because we wouldn’t have been looking at each other that way.

The battle is raging in my head.  I know that I have nothing to feel guilty for, I can look at pictures from the past and find Treun attractive and have nothing to feel guilty for…yet…it is there.  That feeling of wrongness for wanting him in those pictures.

I think it all stems from the fact that I desperately wonder what it would’ve been like to have been married to him all those years – to have had my babies with him.  We went to a party a couple of weeks ago and I got to hold a friend’s newborn.  As I was holding this sleeping little boy, it reminded me so much of doing just that for my children.  I looked over at Treun and the look on his face just made me wish he’d been the kids’ dad.  It made me wonder what my life would’ve been like to have him there, supporting me and loving me while I raised our children.

Treun and I will never have children together.  Neither of us want more babies and it isn’t physically possible at this point in our lives.  Yet, there is a small part of me that longs to watch him with our baby.  I’ve been past my baby-making days for quite some time now and have never had an urge to have another baby yet I wonder.

I think that is where the guilt comes from.  Wondering.  Wishing.  And being absolutely envious of what his ex-wife had and threw away.  She had the life I dreamed of – being able to stay home with the kids and be that kind of wife and mother.  Whereas that kind of life was meant for me, she felt constrained by it and fought against it to the point where she ripped her family apart.  She wanted more than just being a wife and mother.  The ironic part is that I had to go out and work full-time while she still doesn’t work outside the home.

I’m jealous of Treun’s ex-wife.  She had everything I ever wanted and she threw it away yet she still gets to stay at home because of who Treun is.  He gave her enough in the divorce that she won’t have to work outside of the home for another six years even though their youngest recently turned 18 and Treun no longer has to pay child support.  Bubba screwed me over at every turn and continues to do so.

That is where the guilt comes from.  Jealousy.  It is just another way to realize that I picked a bad man to marry and have kids with.  I’m paying an awesome price for that decision.  Treun’s ex-wife picked a good man to marry and she is still reaping the benefits of it, even four years after their divorce.  She’ll continue to reap those benefits for another six years.

I have nothing to feel guilty for in finding Treun attractive in those old pictures.  I just have to work through the jealousy that is eating me in regards to his ex-wife.  I think I can conquer that by focusing on the fact that Treun and I are together now.   She is missing out on the next 40 years with him.  Now I get to reap the benefits of having a good man in my life.  The most amazing benefit?  Getting to be with Treun.  He is such a wonderful man and I get to spend my time with him.  I get to share his life now.  I can’t change the past but I can enjoy the future with him.

Thoughts of the Future

Treun, Shane, and I had a wonderful day yesterday.  Shane had a Cub Scout function to attend and I’d asked him if he wanted it to be just him and me or if he’d like to invite Treun along.  He very excitedly said that he wanted Treun to go with us.

We spent two hours with the Cub Scouts then decided to leave because Treun and I were both hungry.  We picked a place to eat and Shane began complaining about it. He was very vocal about the fact that he didn’t like the place we picked and very rude about it.  I sat back and watched as Treun told Shane that he was being rude and explained how he could voice his opinion in a manner that would not be rude.  It is amazing to me to watch this man teach my son how to be a man.  He is so gentle with him and he explains things.  He doesn’t shame Shane or make him feel bad.  He is simply teaching and mentoring.  I love watching Treun interact with Shane.

We spent some time at Treun’s house, just hanging out and talking.  I washed Treun’s dishes while he straightened up a bit.  He had a friend coming in for a few days so he was getting the house in order.  Shane hung out and played a video game while we worked.  It was just a relaxing afternoon.

I took Shane home and got him to bed.  Serenity and Liam each had a friend over so I told them I was heading back to Treun’s house as he wanted me to meet his friend.

When I got there, I told Treun that a bubblebath sounded like a great idea since his friend would not be arriving for a few hours yet.  He said, “You know, it really does!”  I love that Treun is even willing to half boil himself so that I don’t freeze in the tub.  I don’t make the water nearly as hot as I would if I was alone in the tub but it is still a little too hot for Treun.  He runs so warm and I run so cold that we have trouble finding a happy medium in either the tub or shower.  He’s so sweet that he’ll put up with hotter than he likes water for my comfort.

As we were relaxing in the tub, he once again brought up remodeling the bathroom.  I saw a chance and I took it.  I said, “This house has so much history in it.  You said your daughter talks to you even less since you told her about me, what would she think about having other people in the house with you?”  He was quiet for a moment then started talking about turning the house into a rental.  He couldn’t sell the house during or after the divorce because the market had tanked so badly, so he set about making it his house instead of their house.  He had considered turning it into a rental back then but decided not to since he was already living there and didn’t want to move at that point.  He said that if we decide to move in together, he would want to turn it into a rental.

After his friend arrived, he was giving his friend a tour of the house and he said the same thing to his friend.  “If we decide to move in together, I’d turn this into a rental so that we could have a ‘Hope and Treun’s place’ instead of being here.”  He wants to start over with me!  He was walking into the garage as he said it so he didn’t see the beaming smile on my face, but I’m pretty sure his friend saw it.  I don’t know of anything else that could’ve made me happier.

I was going to call Endellion and tell her last night but by the time I got home, I was too tired to call her.  I called her first thing this morning and told her. She said, “Hope.  When are you going to trust that he loves you?  When are you going to see that the things that you worry about work out because that is who Treun is?  When are you going to realize that he won’t respond to you the way Bubba did?”  I don’t know.  He continues to confuse and confound me with his normalness.  I’m still trying to get used to the surrealness of him being a good man.  I’m still learning to trust that he is who he says he is.  I need to remember this the next time I get all angsty about something.

I wasn’t going to bring it up again, I truly wasn’t.  But I couldn’t let that opportunity pass.  I was content to know that he loved me…..for a few weeks.  I really thought it was enough for now.  I really did.  Until it wasn’t.  I want to spend the rest of my life with this man.  I want to know if he feels the same way.  No, I don’t think I’m ready for the whole, “I want to marry you and be with you forever” talk, but I needed to know how attached he was to his house.  I needed to know which was more important to him – me or the house.  I got my answer last night and I’m so deliriously happy about it.  He thinks about us, the future, and how that would look.  He even told his friend about talking to Shane and said, “That’s what happens in blended families.”  He’s shown me a few times already that he views us as a family and he just reinforced it now.  We are his and he is ours.


Hope Wears Heels will be going on hiatus.

I’m not sure how long this will last but I need some time off.  I will post on my Facebook page when I begin writing again.

Thank you.

An Even Keel

Celia’s birthday is over and I’m back to being on my even keel.  Life feels normal again.  My Feelings are not taking over my entire being.  I do not feel like a raw nerve any more.

I hate certain dates.  They are just hard.  The grief circles around, as grief does, and takes me for a ride.  Grief is not a linear journey.  You do not have a time when you are done grieving.  It morphs and mellows with time but the grief journey twists and turns back on itself and you tend to go through the stages again and again, though the severity and degree do diminish over time.

One thing I’ve noticed is that Butch’s birthday is not a difficult day to get through.  I don’t go through the Feelings Shitstorm each year on his birthday, just Celia’s.  I don’t understand it.  Butch and I were close but I guess we weren’t as close as Celia and I were.  I guess it makes her betrayal feel so much worse than his.

I just know that there are certain dates that I dread.  I get through them one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time.  In ways, this year was easier because I had Treun.  In other ways it was more difficult because I was fighting all the feelings from the last two years.

I’m just glad that my even keel has returned and life seems normal to me again.  I’m happy with Treun and I’m so thankful he is in my life.  I don’t know what I’d do without him.  He makes it easier to navigate the grieving when I have to.

Treun gives me a solid anchor to hold on to and I know that I can get through it with him at my side.


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