The Neighbor – Childhood Memories
I’m trying to write more about The Sexual Healing Journey and it’s bringing up a lot of resentments for my childhood neighbors, my parents’ friends. How, how, how could my mom’s friend have stayed with that man who molested me? It’s been 30 years and they are still together!!!! Did what he did all those years ago mean nothing to her? And I’d bet dollars to doughnuts, he’s done it to a lot more girls. Pedophiles like that just don’t strike once or twice. They strike until they are caught and locked away or they die.
How many countless others have there been because she’s enabled and hidden it all these years? Yes, his wife is partly responsible for whatever girls he hurt after me. She had the power to stop him but she didn’t. She will answer for her sins someday. She will also answer for his sins because she was culpable in them.
When I told their son about what had happened, after his daughter turned two, he told me that he remembered his dad being accused by another girl. That man was able to talk his way out of it. What I want to know now is when did that happen? Did it happen before or after my friend Anna and me? Because if it happened before us and she KNEW what her husband was capable of and she didn’t do everything she could to protect the FOUR nieces that she had who were in that prime age……
I can’t even tell you how I feel right now. I opened my fucking closet and pulled that skeleton out so I could protect her 2 year old granddaughter. She was furious at me for an entire summer for bringing this up because her son and daughter-in-law broke off relationship with him because of this. She had to go to their house to visit instead of them going to her house. And she was mad at me!!!!! HELLO!!!! I just saved your granddaughter from possibly being molested by your husband!!!! You should be throwing yourself at my feet in gratitude and thanksgiving. Not condemning me for pulling out the skeletons in the closet!!!! What the fuck is wrong with you?
Until I was 40 years old I couldn’t even wash myself without feeling dirty and shameful. My parents never got me counseling. They never talked to me about what had happened. Never told me that he took something that was natural and perverted it. They never told me that my body is a marvelous thing and that making myself feel good is ok. I grew up believing that touching myself, my vulva, was dirty and disgusting. I’ve birthed three babies and could never fully appreciate what my body did because those babies came out of something that was horrifying to me.
I remember when Serenity was born. The midwife told me to reach down and feel how much hair she had. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t feel any of them coming out because what they were coming out of was abhorrent to me.
There were adults in my life (my mom’s friend and my parents) who could’ve protected me and then helped me through all the ick associated with being molested who chose instead to bury their heads in the sand. I was left with 30 years of sexual dysfuction because of their refusal to address a situation. Ignoring something will NOT make it go away. It only manifests itself into a shame-filled monster that destroys everything in its path. I was ashamed of my body for years. I was ashamed of what was between my legs. When I should’ve been celebrating my femininity and the amazing things my body could do to grow and birth babies, I was sickened by the entire area that was so integral to their existence.
This is on their heads. The shame, the disgust, the secrecy. All of it is on my mom’s friend’s head and my parents’ heads. It is *their* shame. I’ve worked hard, I’ve done the grueling work it took to heal. I’m still doing it, in fact. I thought this had been processed and worked through months ago.
Only now did I realize that there is still a lot under the surface that still needs to be unpacked, analyzed, and dealt with. I have a lot of work to do yet. But again, I’m bound and determined to win this….for myself….for my future husband…for my children. I will teach them about their sexual health. I will not make this into such a taboo subject that they will grow up ashamed of their sexuality. I will never again be ashamed of my sexuality either.
My children know they can come to me and ask me anything and I will answer their questions. So far, I’ve been asked about masturbation (whether it is ok, how often is ok, is it sinful?), abortion (which led into a dad’s rights and responsibilities if he fathers a child, especially before he’s married), and general sex stuff. I give my children the information they seek and try to keep my personal biases out of the information giving. I will give them my opinion when I think it is warranted. I gave them my opinion on sex before marriage (it’s not ideal and can be very dangerous) and abortion. When discussing masturbation, I told them that it is between them and God but also talked to them about addiction and what that looks like.
The children and I have had some really interesting, intense conversations. Even though I can feel the embarrassment deep down, I keep it down there so that I can have frank discussions with them about sexuality. I am honest and tell them that they are too young to be experimenting with anyone else. I’ve told them of the risks (pregnancy, STDs, emotional ramifications) and I’ve told them that when sex happens in the context in which it’s meant to happen that it can be amazing.
The shame, guilt, and fear I grew up with regarding sexuality will not be perpetuated onto another generation. Our bodies are wonderfully made and we are meant to enjoy them. My children need to learn how to protect themselves and keep their bodies safe. There is no place for shame and guilt in that.
Yes, my parents and their friend will answer for their part in all of this someday. For me, it isn’t my concern any longer. My concern is taking care of my children and teaching them right from wrong.
My job is to teach them health.
- Posted in: At the Beginning - My Story ♦ FOO (Family of Origin) ♦ My Childhood ♦ Sexual Abuse
- Tagged: abusive dynamic, afraid, child abuse, children, crazy, denying, emotions, family, Family of Origin, fault, feelings, healing, lies, ownership, parenting, parents, responsibility, sex, sex education, sexual abuse, sexual healing journey, shame, silence, skeleton in the closet