Anger

♦ October 20, 2018 ♦ Leave a comment

I’m really angry today.

I’m not normally angry but it hits me every once in awhile.  Yesterday it hit with the force of a truck.

I was a witness to potential domestic violence over the weekend.  Two things were said that were very triggering for me.  I don’t know the couple well enough to say, “He’s abusing her,” but it is enough to concern me.  I rarely see this couple so I didn’t say anything to the young woman, but I’m making plans for the next time I see them.

I’m angry that things will never resolve with my parents.  I’ve done so much EMDR work to move through this.  However, I’ve had to take a break from EMDR because, even though the days are so much better, the nightmares were increasing.  I was reminded of my parents’ hold on the rest of my family the other day and it just brought it all to the forefront again.

I’m angry at my ex-husband because, once again, he pays his expenses at his own leisure instead of as-directed in the court order.  He’s a deadbeat but he still has such a tight hold on our lives because until all the kids are 18, he’s involved.  He’s just involved on his terms instead of terms that would be best for the kids.  (And my parents still think he’s the bee’s knees.)

I’m angry that a customer service representative really screwed up something for me this week.  I’m angry at the potential damage that could’ve been done.  What if the thing that happened to me had happened to someone else and put them in danger?  What about the privacy violation that occurred to both myself and my friends due to this mistake?  I feel absolutely violated.  I will be contacting the manager today about the mistake and I hope it is taken seriously.

I’m angry that I tried to go for a walk last night to work off some of my excess anger and energy and realized there are no lights outside of my tiny neighborhood.  There are miles and miles of sidewalk but not one light.  I was trapped in my neighborhood and feeling trapped when you’re trying to work off anger isn’t helpful, no matter how fast you run.

I’m especially angry that I have to be afraid to leave my neighborhood at night because of our current misogynistic president, his administration, and all of his rabid followers who have made this country LESS SAFE for women, POC, and the LGBTQ+ communities.  I voted today.  Voting is so important.  Go vote!  As I was casting my ballot, I felt like one small voice.  I felt small.  But maybe my one small voice will join with other small voices and become a roar.

I know I’ll work through this anger but it will be a rough couple of days until I do.  I’ll find my hope again.  I’ll find the good in humanity.

Until then, I will feel the feelings and do a ton of self-care.

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