I don’t hate Bubba. At least not all the time. For the most part, about 90% of the time, I have no feelings about Bubba at all. He is just no longer a part of my life. I don’t wish him ill, I just want him to leave me alone to raise my kids.
Then he emails or I have to deal with a consequence of his decisions (like signing up for Christmas help) and I hate him. I hate that he is still free to abuse me and to hurt me and I especially hate that he can continue to hurt the kids.
During the divorce, when he did yet another abhorrent thing, I would give myself one hour to just sit and hate him. I would set the timer on my phone and just sit and dream up bloody, gory ways he could bite the dust. I would sit and dream of him being out of our lives forever. Mostly, I would just sit there and let the hatred stew. Since it wasn’t safe to release Fluffy yet, I couldn’t feel the anger. To me, anger and hatred were two separate things. Anger was feeling something; hatred was just sitting and imagining what I would. For “normal” people there probably isn’t much difference between the two but for me, they were worlds apart. It was safe for me to have hatred; it wasn’t safe to feel anger.
Now that I’m so many months out of the divorce, I still have these moments of hatred for him but it is combined with anger now. I *feel* them intensely. I will still set my timer on my phone for an hour when I need it. Most times, I’ll end up calling Endellion and saying, “I gave myself an hour to hate him and within 5 minutes I forgot what I was doing. My timer went off and I realized I’d wasted my hour living my life instead of hating him! Duh!” We’ll laugh about it because it shows exactly how much I’ve healed. I still give myself that hour but I rarely ever take more than 10 minutes of it anymore.
For the most part, Bubba has become a non-entity to me. He simply doesn’t exist in my universe until I have to deal with the fall-out of his crap. Bubba’s legacy is long-lasting. I know it will take time for me to heal but sadly, it will take even longer for my children to heal. They have to be in continual contact with him – two phone calls a week and one weekend visit a month (when Bubba even chooses to take them). He is allowed by the courts to continue to psychologically torture our children.
And I get to continue to deal with the consequences of his decisions.