Hating Bubba

I don’t hate Bubba.  At least not all the time.  For the most part, about 90% of the time, I have no feelings about Bubba at all.  He is just no longer a part of my life.  I don’t wish him ill, I just want him to leave me alone to raise my kids.

Then he emails or I have to deal with a consequence of his decisions (like signing up for Christmas help) and I hate him.  I hate that he is still free to abuse me and to hurt me and I especially hate that he can continue to hurt the kids.

During the divorce, when he did yet another abhorrent thing, I would give myself one hour to just sit and hate him.  I would set the timer on my phone and just sit and dream up bloody, gory ways he could bite the dust.  I would sit and dream of him being out of our lives forever.  Mostly, I would just sit there and let the hatred stew.  Since it wasn’t safe to release Fluffy yet, I couldn’t feel the anger.  To me, anger and hatred were two separate things.  Anger was feeling something; hatred was just sitting and imagining what I would.  For “normal” people there probably isn’t much difference between the two but for me, they were worlds apart.  It was safe for me to have hatred; it wasn’t safe to feel anger.

Now that I’m so many months out of the divorce, I still have these moments of hatred for him but it is combined with anger now.  I *feel* them intensely.  I will still set my timer on my phone for an hour when I need it.  Most times, I’ll end up calling Endellion and saying, “I gave myself an hour to hate him and within 5 minutes I forgot what I was doing.  My timer went off and I realized I’d wasted my hour living my life instead of hating him!  Duh!”  We’ll laugh about it because it shows exactly how much I’ve healed.  I still give myself that hour but I rarely ever take more than 10 minutes of it anymore.

For the most part, Bubba has become a non-entity to me.  He simply doesn’t exist in my universe until I have to deal with the fall-out of his crap.  Bubba’s legacy is long-lasting.  I know it will take time for me to heal but sadly, it will take even longer for my children to heal.  They have to be in continual contact with him – two phone calls a week and one weekend visit a month (when Bubba even chooses to take them).  He is allowed by the courts to continue to psychologically torture our children.

And I get to continue to deal with the consequences of his decisions.

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