Monthly Archives: October, 2012

Letters to Luke

Along with journaling, I started writing letters to Luke.  They were my way of talking to him.  I never had any intention of sending them or sharing them with him.  In these letters I said to him everything I knew I would never be able to say to him in real life.  I allowed myself …

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Dreams and Dreaming

I’ve always been a dreamer.  I used to wake up multiple times a night and remember having the craziest dreams.  Dreams, for me, have always been very vivid and rich.  They also have tended to repeat themselves. I used to dream at least weekly, if not more, about flying.  Either I could fly like Superman …

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How Did I Get Myself Into This?

“How did I get myself into this?”  was a question that played over and over in my mind in the months after I’d left Bubba.  Exactly how does one find herself in an abusive marriage with a complete inability to recognize it for what it was? The answer started to become clear to me when …

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Is This Healthy?

Once I locked Luke away in his own little compartment, I started thinking about whether it was healthy or not: I’m a bit worried that I’m still too good at shutting things down though.  I’ll have to talk to Liz about it tomorrow.  Is this a good thing or a bad thing?  It’s such a …

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Positive or Negative Intent

Four years ago I was introduced to the concept of Assigning Positive Intent.  It was something I’d never heard of.  It was something I was pretty much already doing though.  Bubba, on the other hand, was a firm believer in Assigning Negative Intent. Assigning Positive Intent or Negative Intent is a way of looking at …

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In Which I Revisit Adolescence

With the contact with Luke ban still firmly in place, I had entirely too much time to think about him.  Sure, I was busy being a mom and a student, but I had plenty of time to lay in bed at night and wonder about Luke.  It came out in my journal entries: Here I …

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The Other Woman

The Guardian ad Litem (GAL) said in her report for our second court date that Bubba ultimately would like to reconcile with me but he understood that it was no longer an option.  He told her that I was a good person and mother but something had happened to change me – I wasn’t the …

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The GAL’s Report

When we’d last gone to court, the Guardian ad Litem (GAL) had a report all typed up and she presented her findings to the judge – even though I was not allowed to be in this hearing. I could tell from the tone of her report that she believed Bubba.  He openly admitted to her …

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My Rebellion

When the ban on contact with Luke went into place, he asked if he could keep in contact with Arcadia to check on me periodically.  Since they are both adults, I couldn’t control what they decided to do.  Who was I to tell two grown people they weren’t allowed to text?  I knew Arcadia wouldn’t …

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Boundary Crossing

Here’s what I’d written in my journal about the day Bubba picked up his stuff: He drove here and got his stuff.  It was a bad day!  So very stressful!  I’d given Arcadia my safe phone so he wouldn’t accidentally discover it. When I saw Arcadia the next day, she gave me back my phone. …

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