He Doesn’t Want to Get Married

Well, it’s official.  I’m done dreaming of marrying Treun.  He doesn’t want to marry me.

All of us spend the day over at Treun’s place today.  I actually got the older two kids to go and was feeling rather accomplished about that.  They stayed upstairs, playing video games most of the time, but they were there.

I’d rented two movies for Treun and I to watch with the kids but only Shane watched the first one with us.  Serenity joined us for the second but we couldn’t entice Liam away from his video games.

After the second movie was over, I gathered the kids and headed home.  I got Shane to bed and went back over to Treun’s house.  He’d run to the store and got us things to fix salads for dinner.  We ate and watched t.v.  He made no move to take me to his bedroom and I followed his lead.  We snuggled on the couch.  That threw me a bit because that isn’t normal for us.  When we have such a limited amount of time to be together like that, we’ve always taken the opportunity.  I’m fine with him not being in the mood but it just seemed strange to me.

Thinking about it now, I can tell something was on his mind.  Right after the movie I told the kids to pack up their stuff because we were leaving.  Shane went to put his shoes on and said, “I don’t want to leave!!!!!!!!  If you guys were married, we wouldn’t have to leave.”  Treun replied, “Out of the mouths of babes.”  I just grinned at him but didn’t say anything.

As we were snuggling on the couch, he said, “If it wasn’t for that clause in your divorce, we could be cohabitating soon.”  I took a chance.  I don’t know now if it was the right now, but now I know.  I said, “So, if you had the choice, you’d pick cohabitating over getting married.”  He said that it would be the natural progression of things and with the way the older two feel…..  I said, “Yeah, the horrible children make it difficult.”  He said not to get him wrong, he wants to spend his life with me because he loves me.  But, apparently, marriage isn’t on the table.

You see, Serenity and Liam make life more than difficult.  They are both going through shit now and are acting extremely selfish and mean to me.  Treun watches it and feels helpless to help me because he isn’t their father.  He called Liam on his bad behavior toward me once and Liam has basically avoided him and has taken an active dislike to Treun since then.

I understand Treun’s thoughts.  I have a seriously over-the-top crazy ex-husband who is bound and determined to use our children against me and is still playing the “Let Me Hurt Hope As Much As I’m Able” game and I have children who are dealing with serious repercussions of having Bubba as a father.  Why would anyone willingly want to saddle themselves with that on a permanent basis?  I get it.  I do.

That doesn’t change the fact that I won’t settle for anything less than marriage.  Living together will not be acceptable to me even if I ever get that stupid clause removed from my divorce decree.  I want to be Treun’s wife.  I want to grow old with him.  I want to take our final breaths together after we’ve had a good 40 years together.

I didn’t tell him any of this.  I couldn’t tell him what I want because I don’t want him to feel pressured to marry me.  I don’t want him to ask because it is what I want and he wants to make me happy.  I want him to want to marry me because that is what he wants.  And if I’m honest with myself, I’m too afraid to tell him.  I’m too afraid to let him see how much it hurts me that he doesn’t want to marry me.

I let Bubba see me cry when he wasn’t ready to become a father and having a baby was all I could think about.  I cried for weeks and weeks, after I’d gone to bed, thinking Bubba didn’t know.  Except he did hear me and he figured it out.  A few days later, he told me we could try to have a baby and two months later we were pregnant with Serenity.  During the divorce he accused me of forcing him to have a baby with me and that he didn’t want Serenity.  How I hope Serenity never finds this out.  So, that is coloring my views about letting Treun in on my feelings about living together vs. getting married.

For now, I live for today.  I stop thinking about the future.  I stop talking about the future.  I stop dreaming about the future. I will take what the day brings and look no further.

Because knowing I won’t be marrying him hurts too much.

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