I Miss Treun
He went to visit his folks. He’s been gone for three whole days! I’m lost without him. I truly am.
Treun left and took all of his calm with him. I feel jittery and rudderless. I feel quite lost without his quiet presence. And I have to make it through six more days. He won’t be in till really late Friday night which means I won’t get to see him till Saturday. I think I may be hanging out at his house on Friday, just long enough to see him, kiss him, hug him, then head home again.
Before Treun left, he gave me a key to his house. He gave it to me so that I could take his mail in and just in case I needed to escape for some time alone, I’d have a place to sneak away to. I went over the other day to get his mail and I ended up
pilfering borrowing his pillow and a t-shirt he wore the day before left. They smell like him and I can sleep with them and feel like he’s still with me. The kids had been with Bubba for a few days before Treun left so I stayed over there and it was so nice to roll over and feel him there in the middle of the night. With his pillow and t-shirt, I can pretend he’s close. I, of course, have no intention of telling Treun about this. I will return his items before he gets home. <giggle>
I’m not used to missing people. The children go to spend time with Bubba and I don’t miss them – I’m too busy being happy for the break because they come so few and far between. I’m in perpetual burn-out from 24/7 parenting that I crash when they’re gone and am far too busy trying to rest to actually miss them. Bubba had us moving so much during our marriage that I just don’t miss people when they move away or when I moved away in the past. I have learned to keep in touch or not and move on with my life. So, missing Treun is a new feeling for me.
Every fiber of my being feels his absence. I don’t have my calm. I don’t have that sense of all being right in my world now. It amazes me how much I’ve come to rely on him being my other half – my saner half. He grounds me, he keeps me anchored. I often wonder what I bring to his life. What does he miss about me? Wait! Does he actually miss me? Oh, I hope so. I hope I’m not the only one feeling this keen sense of not being whole.
Then, as always when I realize how much I rely on him, I wonder: HOW IN THE BLUE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN? I mean really! I used to swear up and down that I didn’t want a man in my life, I didn’t need a man in my life. Then I look further back at how I used to tell Luke that I’d never have sex again and I vehemently meant it! Now, I can’t imagine not having sex with Treun. I can’t imagine not sharing my bed (or his bed) with him. How this happened still tends to puzzle me. How did I get to this place of missing this man so completely and wanting him so much?
And can someone make Friday come sooner?