I Miss Treun

He went to visit his folks.  He’s been gone for three whole days!  I’m lost without him.  I truly am.

Treun left and took all of his calm with him.  I feel jittery and rudderless.  I feel quite lost without his quiet presence.  And I have to make it through six more days.  He won’t be in till really late Friday night which means I won’t get to see him till Saturday.   I think I may be hanging out at his house on Friday, just long enough to see him, kiss him, hug him, then head home again.

Before Treun left, he gave me a key to his house.  He gave it to me so that I could take his mail in and just in case I needed to escape for some time alone, I’d have a place to sneak away to.  I went over the other day to get his mail and I ended up pilfering borrowing his pillow and a t-shirt he wore the day before left.  They smell like him and I can sleep with them and feel like he’s still with me.  The kids had been with Bubba for a few days before Treun left so I stayed over there and it was so nice to roll over and feel him there in the middle of the night.  With his pillow and t-shirt, I can pretend he’s close.  I, of course, have no intention of telling Treun about this.  I will return his items before he gets home.  <giggle>

I’m not used to missing people.  The children go to spend time with Bubba and I don’t miss them – I’m too busy being happy for the break because they come so few and far between.  I’m in perpetual burn-out from 24/7 parenting that I crash when they’re gone and am far too busy trying to rest to actually miss them.  Bubba had us moving so much during our marriage that I just don’t miss people when they move away or when I moved away in the past.  I have learned to keep in touch or not and move on with my life.  So, missing Treun is a new feeling for me.

Every fiber of my being feels his absence.  I don’t have my calm.  I don’t have that sense of all being right in my world now.  It amazes me how much I’ve come to rely on him being my other half – my saner half.  He grounds me, he keeps me anchored.  I often wonder what I bring to his life.  What does he miss about me?  Wait!  Does he actually miss me?  Oh, I hope so.  I hope I’m not the only one feeling this keen sense of not being whole.

Then, as always when I realize how much I rely on him, I wonder: HOW IN THE BLUE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN?  I mean really!  I used to swear up and down that I didn’t want a man in my life, I didn’t need a man in my life.  Then I look further back at how I used to tell Luke that I’d never have sex again and I vehemently meant it!  Now, I can’t imagine not having sex with Treun.  I can’t imagine not sharing my bed (or his bed) with him.  How this happened still tends to puzzle me.  How did I get to this place of missing this man so completely and wanting him so much?

And can someone make Friday come sooner?

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