Treun and I are ridiculously happy these days. Things are cruising along at a good clip and I will, hopefully, be able to write more soon. I’m finding that the happier I am, the less time and energy I have to write. I also think I’m so far into my healing journey that I have less need to process. I want to share my happiness and the good things in my life too but finding time between three kids, working, and Treun has proved to be problematic.
But I need to process this and get it out. I was triggered in a massive and major way the other night. It’s been months since I was triggered sexually. It seems that I get to a point where I don’t even think about it anymore then BAM! something hits me. It is horrible in its unexpectedness. It isn’t that I go around thinking, “Hey, I’m all healed now and my life is great!” I am just living my life and all the sexual baggage from the past just doesn’t exist in my day to day life. It is, mostly, a non-issue now. So when something happens, I end up having a massive PTSD episode.
Treun and I were right in the middle of having sex. Sex with Treun is like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. It is simply amazing. We are comfortable with our own bodies and with each other. We know works for us and we’re also both enthusiastic about trying new things and continuing to learn about each other. Treun was behind me and he pulled some pillows and put them under my hips. I didn’t know what he was going for, but I was willing to go where he lead. He gently pushed me down so that I was laying on the pillows. When he thrust and I felt that sensation, memories flooded and I screamed, “NO!!!!” and my body stiffened.
I’ve sat since then and tried to remember exactly what I did. I asked Treun later if I really screamed or if it was only in my head. He said that I said, “No” and my entire body stiffened and I lifted myself off the pillows (even with him on top of me). He immediately stopped and laid down beside me. I was frozen in place, my breath ragged.
I was fully back in time, back to that place that Bubba used to rape me. Bubba had trouble orgasming sometimes and would put me in that position to help things along. I hated that position and told him every time that I didn’t want to be in that position but it didn’t matter to him. He was only interested into getting off and that position helped him. Those were the times that the other Hope would escape from The Happy Place, jump up and scream at Bubba to stop and that she never wanted to have sex with him again. I would lay there and beg the other Hope to go back to The Happy Place, to walk through the meadow and enjoy the flowers. I would feel it all and would be unable to dissociate again once the other Hope got out. It was painful because by then the lube would’ve worn out and I could feel Bubba not only hurting my vagina, but also my labia with the friction.
There I was, with Treun, reliving what Bubba had done to me. Treun was whispering words of comfort and reassurance to me, even though I can’t recall now what those words were. I just knew I had to fight the PTSD demon that was trying to take over me. The litany in my head was, “I’m safe. I’m with Treun. Bubba can’t hurt me anymore.”
I was fighting to relax my body because all of my muscles were frozen in remembered terror. “Relax your legs, Hope. You are safe. Relax your back, Hope. You are safe.” All the way up my body, I had to manually relax my muscles, inch by inch, muscle by mucle. It is during times like this that I am glad for the multiple voices I can call upon to help me. I can tell myself I’m safe while also hearing myself talking to me like a small child, giving me instructions about what to do.
I finally got to the point where I could move the pillows from under me and snuggle up to Treun. He stroked my arm, calming me, waiting for me to take the lead. I laid there, curled into his chest, and let the tears flow. I refused to give into the wracking sobs that were threatening to tear from my throat but I couldn’t stop the tears that silently fell.
I couldn’t talk to Treun about this. I was still trying to process it all in my head. It felt like my whole body was sucking comfort from Treun’s body. I could feel it seeping into my being from his through my skin. I was triggered a few months ago and I couldn’t talk to Treun about it right away either. It took a day to work it through in my own head and with Endellion before I could talk to Treun about it. This was no different.
I got to talk to Endellion about it a bit later, after Treun was asleep. The first thing she said was, “You did it! You told him to stop! That is huge!”
I could never tell Bubba to stop; I’d learned that it was futile and just caused a huge fight. But with Treun I could say no and it was immediately respected. Even if I don’t say no, he reads my body language so well that he’s stopped a few times and asked if I was ok when he felt something was just a bit off. Yes, this was huge! I am no longer trapped. I am no longer a slave to a man’s power trips. I am loved and protected and safe.
The next day, Treun and I had a long car ride so I brought up what happened and explained it. He’d figured as much and he knew I’d talk to him about it when I was ready. I’d apologized the night before when I couldn’t continue and he told me I didn’t have to apologize or worry about not finishing because the most important thing to him is that I am ok. He’d told me that the night before and again in the car. *I* am what is important. *I* matter.
Yes, getting triggered sucks but I know that Treun is here for me. He respects me and loves me. It is still mind-boggling to me because relatively speaking it is still so new. I had disrespect and selfishness and control for two decades, I’ve only known this great love for such a short time in comparison. It feels like I shouldn’t be surprised by Treun’s character anymore but I still am.
He is a good man. <happy sigh>