Dreaming of the Future

I have a secret board on Pinterest.  It is called “Dreaming.”  It is where I collect the many ideas out there that I’d like to have at my wedding.  Yes, there I said it: I want to get married.  More specifically, I want to marry Treun.  I want to spend the rest of my life with this man, going to bed with him at night, waking up with him in the morning, and spending what is in between together.  It is getting harder and harder to leave him at the close of the evening.  It is getting more and more difficult to drive away to find my own bed while he crawls into his own.  It just doesn’t feel right any more.

In one way it feels too soon.  We’ve been together for almost eight months.  He helped me on my journey through hell and back when I was so sick.  We’ve spent countless hours together.  But I think to myself, “It’s only been eight months!  How do I know he won’t change the minute he marries me?”  I still have that left-over from Bubba.

Then I sit and think about it.  There are simply no red flags with Treun.  There is no unease in my gut that I’m trying to ignore.  Trust me, I’ve looked.  The first few months were spent analyzing everything he said and did, just waiting to see the first hint of a red flag.  My gut was screaming at me while I was dating Bubba.  I simply didn’t know what it was trying to say.  I’d not been taught to look for signs of bad things in guys so when my gut was trying to tell me to run away, I had no clue what it meant.

Now, I know what to listen for from my gut.  I know what to look for.  I know how manipulation works.  I just don’t see anything from Treun that can be construed as run-away worthy.  He has good boundaries, he is kind and caring, and he is a good man.  The only problem is that we’ve both been so hurt in the past that we are moving slowly and we both still find it hard to talk about the future.  We are making huge strides in this area but neither of us is willing to start that conversation yet.  And that is ok.

I’ve often heard, “How do you eat an elephant?”  Well, the answer is, “One bite at a time.”  That is what Treun and I are doing.  We are eating this elephant one tiny bite at a time. Small conversations here and there.  I happened to mention the fact that I don’t want a diamond when an engagement ring commercial came on the other day.  We’ve talked about turning his house into a rental and buying a house together.  We talk about whether living together or getting married would be better.  No, we haven’t made any definite plans but we are having the talks, slowly chewing away.

For now, I sit here and collect things on Pinterest and dream about marrying him someday.  I don’t know if he thinks about it as much as I do but I can tell from our small conversations that he’s considering everything too.

Oh, look at those beautiful shoes!  I must go pin that!

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