One Year Ago

I was reading old posts and came to The Party and the Great Big Realization.  Wow!  I’m simply shocked by the difference a year has made.  It’s been a year since Sean was in my life and we were doing the dance around each other.

A year ago I struggled with needing him in my life.  I hated myself for needing a man.  I felt defective and broken.  Celia’s words were still so strong in my head.  It was a tumultuous time for me.  Wanting Sean in a physical way, knowing he wasn’t good for me, was just hard on so many levels.

This year is totally different.  Treun has been in my life for over half a year now and I have absolutely no problem admitting that I need him in my life.  I have no problem admitting that I want him.  There is no angst, no hearing Celia’s words in my head.  Where Treun is concerned, I feel like I’ve found my other half.  Yes, it has taken quite a few months to get to the point but I am comfortable in needing Treun in my life, in leaning on him, in relying on him.  It feels natural to do so now.

A year ago I was still fighting my body’s need for sex, for physical closeness.  This year, I embrace it.  I think the difference is in the man.  Sean just wasn’t the man for me and it feels like Treun was made for me.

There is no drama with Treun.  Just the opposite, in fact.  When I’m with Treun, I feel peace and calm.  Even as I was debating with myself about telling him I love him, when I was with him, the voices in my head calmed and were quiet.

This past week was a doozy.  Dealing with what would’ve been my anniversary and finding out Luke was engaged were hard.  I bawled my eyes out.  The next day when I was with Treun, I thought I’d have to do more crying because I didn’t feel done.  Yet, as soon as I saw him and he wrapped me up in his strong arms, all the terribleness that had been in me melted away.  As soon as I saw him again, I didn’t care that Luke was engaged.  As soon as I saw him, it didn’t matter that Bubba is an ass who tried to destroy my life.  I realized that Treun is what matters now.

Now, a year after that time with Sean, I feel like things are right with my world.  I remember the angst and the yearning and the fighting myself from last year.  I remember never being sure of Sean and whether he’d be there for me when I needed him.  Now I have a man who I know will absolutely be there when I need him.  There is no doubt in my mind.  He shows up on time, he doesn’t stand me up, he doesn’t walk out the door and disappear for two weeks.  He is reliable and caring and here for me.

Treun is a wonderful man and he makes me ridiculously happy.

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