Too Many Emotions
Today would’ve been our anniversary. Over two decades we’d have been married had he not chosen to remain an abusive asshole. Today, I’m angry. Today, I’m mourning. Today, I feel a little sick.
I think I’ve been so busy for so long just being happy to be free of the nightmare that was being married to Bubba that I haven’t let myself look back and really mourn. Sure there was the mourning that I did while I was married to him that made it easier to just be thankful to be out, but since I left, I’ve confined my mourning to small moments here and there. I’ve never really let myself mourn because there never really was anything to mourn.
Today I am mourning what we should’ve had if Bubba had been different. Had he chosen to get healthy and truly changed from being an abuser to someone who learns a different way, we could’ve had a very different day today. Our children wouldn’t be as scarred as they are now. They could be healing too instead of being re-traumatized all the time because Bubba is still abusing them.
I mix that in with being so happy with Treun and my head is spinning. It is hard to reconcile mourning the family the Bubba destroyed while simultaneously being deliriously happy with Treun.
If that wasn’t enough, I decided to take a look at Luke’s FB page. You see, I took him out of my newsfeed eons ago because it was just too painful to watch him live his life knowing I’d never be a part of it. Then when Treun and I got together I had no big interest in seeing what he was up to beyond the few times he would comment on one of my statuses or I’d share something funny with him. Well, I looked today and he got engaged the other day.
So I sit here sobbing my eyes out that Luke got engaged. I hope he is happy but it drives home the fact that we really, really weren’t meant to be together. He didn’t want me. I’ve carried a torch for him since Junior High. The first time he got married, I cried myself to sleep the day I found out. This brings back all that pain. No matter how happy I am with Treun and how much I love him, there will always be something special about Luke. It is what it is. Luke played a pivotal part in my healing and he will always have a special place in my heart. He just does.
I’m sitting here angry with Bubba and mourning what he robbed us of while saying good-bye to Luke once again while loving Treun so much I feel like my heart is overflowing. Being a feeler, this is actually painful to me. All of these emotions bombarding me is like drowning and not being able to hit the surface of the water long enough to take a life-sustaining breath. I’m getting little gasps and all of me hurts with the effort to not let the feelings take over completely.
It hurts. Tonight everything hurts. I need the emotions to go away and leave me in peace.
I need to not feel everything so intensely.