An Even Keel

Celia’s birthday is over and I’m back to being on my even keel.  Life feels normal again.  My Feelings are not taking over my entire being.  I do not feel like a raw nerve any more.

I hate certain dates.  They are just hard.  The grief circles around, as grief does, and takes me for a ride.  Grief is not a linear journey.  You do not have a time when you are done grieving.  It morphs and mellows with time but the grief journey twists and turns back on itself and you tend to go through the stages again and again, though the severity and degree do diminish over time.

One thing I’ve noticed is that Butch’s birthday is not a difficult day to get through.  I don’t go through the Feelings Shitstorm each year on his birthday, just Celia’s.  I don’t understand it.  Butch and I were close but I guess we weren’t as close as Celia and I were.  I guess it makes her betrayal feel so much worse than his.

I just know that there are certain dates that I dread.  I get through them one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time.  In ways, this year was easier because I had Treun.  In other ways it was more difficult because I was fighting all the feelings from the last two years.

I’m just glad that my even keel has returned and life seems normal to me again.  I’m happy with Treun and I’m so thankful he is in my life.  I don’t know what I’d do without him.  He makes it easier to navigate the grieving when I have to.

Treun gives me a solid anchor to hold on to and I know that I can get through it with him at my side.

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