Everything Feels Wrong

There are some days that being a Feeler is hard, messy work.  Endellion is a Thinker.  Treun is a Thinker.  Arcadia is a Thinker.  I surround myself with Thinkers.  I’m the lone Feeler and I think there is good reason for that.

I sometimes start drowning in my own feelings.  When one thing, one big thing, happens, it can take over and lead my emotions down roads they don’t belong on.  It is a rabbit trail in more ways than one.  These feelings aren’t real.  They are valid because they are my feelings but they aren’t real because they aren’t true.  They are feelings that come from the past; they are memories of feelings, another Ghost from the past trying to hurt me.

Today, I was scrolling through Facebook when I saw a status from Luke.  He was talking about his girlfriend and she responded.  He called her “baby.”  It felt like a stab to my heart.  I know that this feeling isn’t true.  I know that it is a past feeling and that it has no place in my here and now.  It is the memory of how I felt a year ago.  Luke will always have a special place in my heart and I am so happy that he has a girlfriend and is happy.  I truly am.  Also, I couldn’t imagine being happier than I am with Treun.  So I know this feeling is not real.  It isn’t representative of today.  It is a Ghost from last year trying to hurt me;  The Ghost of Abuses Past has found an ally, The Ghost of Feelings Past.

The reason this is all coming out now is that nothing feels right because Celia’s birthday is upon me again.  The nightmares have started and won’t cease.  I sat yesterday and read through everyone’s affidavits from the divorce.  I read Celia’s and Butch’s, Nancy’s, Jill’s, Maria’s, Aracadia’s, and Elrick’s.  Endellion asked my why I did that to myself and I told her I needed the reminder because I desperately wanted to pick up the phone and call Celia.

I yearn for my Mom.  I don’t yearn for Celia.  I yearn for who I thought she was.  I yearn for the woman she was when I thought she loved me.  I yearn for the woman who I believed would never betray me.  But I know that woman only existed when I was walking her straight and narrow, when I was doing what I was expected to do.

Again, I’m mourning not having a Mom.  I don’t have that safe haven to run to when things hurt, when I need comfort, when I need the comfort only a mother can give her child.  I’m mourning not being able to call her and tell her about Treun.  I want to gush about him and how much he loves me and cares about me and how great he is with Shane.

Because I’m mourning Celia, nothing else in my world feels right.  I’m a Feeler and right now I feel like a raw nerve.  I’m taking everything in and I’m not processing in my normal Feeler fashion.  I’m inundated with past and present feelings and they are knotted and twisted and not making any sense.  It’s almost as if, since I’m mourning Celia, I need to mourn everything I’ve mourned in the past two years.

I’m trying to channel Endellion and Think this through and I just can’t.  I’m swamped in feelings.  Everything just hurts right now.

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