The Swing of My Hips
They are remodeling our restrooms at work. They are located right across the hall from my office and now I have to go upstairs to use the restroom. There is a door that leads to the stairwell and it has a large window in it. Today, as I was walking toward the door to go up to the bathroom, I caught my reflection in the window. I noticed how my hips swing as I walk.
I don’t think about how I walk anymore. I just walk. It wasn’t always like that though.
Bubba would always comment about how my hips would swing when I walked. I’ve been trying to figure out how he would comment, the tone, the words, the attitude. He could imply with one sentence how much he saw me as a sexual object and derision for being exactly that. The way he spoke to me always made me feel that the way I walked should be hidden. I should walk as straight as possible, I should not swing my hips, I should not be sexual at all.
I learned to walk with my hips as still as possible. It was hard! I was self-conscious all the time about how I walked. I paid attention. Rarely was a step taken without thinking about how my body was moving. I had to quell the urge to just walk. I had to pay attention because the moment I didn’t, Bubba would start with his comments about my hips swinging.
I am short but I have an unusually long stride for someone my size. I also walk very fast. When you put those things together, there is a lot of hip action involved. I made myself walk slower, shorten my stride, not call attention to the walk I walked.
I went through a time after I left Bubba when I had to do the exact opposite of what I’d been doing for years – I made myself walk like myself. I don’t recall exactly when it was that I decided to fight this particular Ghost, but I remember doing it. I had to relearn my stride and the natural way my body moves. I had to once again find the joy in being me, long stride and fast pace included.
Today was one of the few times that I’ve seen and been struck by how I walk. I saw the swing of my hips and thought, “Wow, I move like a WOMAN!” There is nothing meek or asexual about the way I walk. I often tell Endellion that she oozes sex but today I saw that in myself. I saw, for those brief steps, how sensually I move when just walking to the restroom. I can only imagine what I look like when I’m going out with Treun and am feeling confident and sexual. I wonder what I look like walking toward him when I know he’s just a few minutes away from taking me into his bed.
It was a powerful moment for me today to know that this is just one more area of my life that I’ve broken free from Bubba. Every little reminder that I have lightens my heart and brings joy to my life. I love the swing of my hips now. I love that I walk like a woman.
I will never have to stifle myself again. It feels amazing!