Decisions

What do I want?

I want Treun in my world and I want to be in his.  Period.  There is no feeling of wanting to cut and run.  I can’t fathom my life without him.  I think of never seeing him again or talking to him or kissing him or walking into his house and I want to barf.  I need this man like the earth needs rain.  I need his calm.  I need his humor.  I need his gentleness.  I need his kindness.  I need his caring and compassion.

I need his love.

How do I live like this?  How do I go about loving a man who tells me he has no deep feelings for me?  How do I continue to have him in my kids’ lives?  How do I tolerate me and my kids falling more and more for this man who doesn’t love me?

I awoke early as is my habit.  My internal body clock is set for 5:30 am!  I don’t know how that happened but that is my default.  I actually slept in, although waking at 6:15 is still early for most people.  I woke up with a certain clarity.  I don’t know where it came from but somehow, in my sleep, I’d processed and decided what I needed to do.

I need to tell Treun that I can’t see him as much.  I would tell him that he could ask me out when he wanted to see me but I can’t lead in the relationship anymore.  I can’t continue to put my heart out there, giving him all of myself, knowing I was just some fun for him to have.   I need to continue to live my life, raise my kids, work, and let him fit in where he wanted to.  He’s been so good with letting me take the lead because he understands that was what I needed to feel safe.

We are beyond the stage of me needing to maintain control to feel safe with him.  I do feel safe with him.  I trust him not to hurt me.  I trust him to stop anything he is doing, no matter what it is, if I simply ask him to stop.  I do not need or want to be leading our relationship any longer.  I need him to step up and let me know when he wants to see me.

Having made this decision and having it feel right, I got up and started cleaning my house.  I was still torn up enough about how Treun doesn’t feel about me to not be very effective though.  I was scattered and couldn’t stay doing one thing at a time.  I was all over the place.  I baked two loaves of bread and spent some time on the computer.  I did some laundry that has been sitting in the laundry room for months.  I didn’t shower and I didn’t write.

I couldn’t write.  I had so many things swirling in my head and writing usually helps but I couldn’t form words, let alone sentences.  All I could think was, “He looked me in the eye and told me he has no deep feelings for me.  How can I be his girlfriend and he doesn’t feel anything beyond friendship for me?  Would he miss me if I was gone?”

I was chatting with Peace on Skype when my phone rang.  I looked and the text was from Treun.  What?  He’s never done anything like this before.  Why text now when I told him I needed time and I’d be in touch in a few days?  WTF?  Peace and I talked about because it is out of character for him.  She encouraged me to actually open and read the text before I freaked out.

What happened next was something that I didn’t see coming.

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