Time to Think

What do I want?  Certainly not the status quo as it has fallen in a spectacular way.

Endellion and I decided that I basically have two choices.  1. I can continue this relationship, loving this man, knowing he can’t/won’t/doesn’t believe that he loves me, and wait to see what happens or 2. I can move on.

The first order of business in my opinion is to take a step back and think.  Yes, I have choices, but the thing I really need now is time to myself to think of what I want with Treun.  I can’t do that while keeping in constant contact with him.  I need space, time to think it through.

I posted this morning on FB that insomnia sucks.  I didn’t want to text Treun good-morning so I went ahead to work just like any other day.  He texted an hour later to say he was sorry that my sleep was disturbed and that he hoped I had a good day.  I’d been agonizing over how to tell him that I needed some time to think.  I finally just told him good morning and that I needed some time to think about our conversation last night and that I’d be in touch in a few days after I’d had time to process it.  He replied, “Sure thing.”

I fought tears all day.  How can my world be crumbling like this?  How can three simple words send someone into a tailspin?  My entire life now hinged on the fall-out from having said those three little words.  Wow.  This is huge.  All that played in my head all day was, “He doesn’t love me.  He doesn’t have deep feelings for me.”

Endellion and I again talked before bed.  We dissected the entire past nine days in every way we could.  She insists he loves me.  He has SHOWN love, he has LIVED love, he DOES love me.  I insist that though he may love me, if he can’t acknowledge it and see me as anything more than someone to have fun with, I can’t live like that.  I just need to define some boundaries for myself because I can’t live without Treun either.

Take a step back, set some boundaries, don’t see him as much, guard my heart, and continue loving him while letting him give what he can.  All of my choices seem abhorrent to me.  Try to maintain the semblance of the fallen status quo or not see him again.  I hate both choices.

Endellion and I decided that I should take three days.  I know I need to figure out what I can and can’t live with and contact him again but I don’t want to give myself a time limit.  I also told Endellion that I was working on finding someone else to pick me up from the stent removal procedure because I don’t want to be vulnerable around Treun right now.  I don’t want him showing me “caring and compassion” (how he described his version of taking care of me when I was so sick) right now.  She said that if I didn’t let him, he would be deeply hurt.  He wouldn’t understand why I would pull back that far.  Although Treun hasn’t taken the Meyers-Briggs assessment yet, we believe his personality type is very similar to Endellion’s.  She was speaking from how she would feel if she was in Treun’s shoes.  I conceded that I would consider it.

This is going to be a long weekend.  The three days until I contact Treun will seem an eternity.  It is something that I need to do.  I need to decide how I want to proceed from here.

I was listening to songs on YouTube as Endellion and I were chatting.  I pulled up “I Can’t Make You Love Me” by Bonnie Raitt.  It seemed a fitting song for the circumstances.  I listened to a few more though I don’t remember what they were.  I was looking at the suggested songs in the side bar when I found Ellie Goulding’s “I Know You Care.”  I’d never heard it before the the title intrigued me.  Wow!  Yeah.  I know he cares.  I also know he is trying to protect himself.  His ex-wife really hurt him, leaving him like she did after 27 years of marriage.  I know he cares, but I’m too afraid to hope that he loves.

It seems that hope is a double-edged sword and I’m not willing to hold onto it tonight.  I’m not willing to risk the wounds.  Just for a night, I’m not going to hope.  I’m just going to feel and be sad.  Tomorrow I will start to think of a plan, I will think of what I want.

I will decide whether or not to hope.

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