The Status Quo Falls

Nine days.  Nine.  That is how long the status quo lasted after I told Treun I loved him.  If it’s one thing I’ve learned through this journey I’ve been on it is that the status quo can NOT be maintained.  Change is inevitable.  Change ALWAYS happens, whether we like it or not.

Treun seems truly baffled and pleased by how very orgasmic I am.  I’m simply baffled by it.  Sex has never been something I enjoyed, except for with Luke for those couple of days last year.  Sex with Bubba was a nightmare I wasn’t aware I was living at the time.  Sex with Luke was good in a healing way.  Sex with Treun is an experience of the magnitude I’ve never experienced before.  It is the mind-blowing sex that Luke and I used to talk about.  I’m still taken aback quite often to realize that what Luke told me about so many times actually exists for me.

On Day 8 I couldn’t sneak out to see Treun so we were texting.  I asked him if it was normal to want sex this much.  He told me it might be a bit over average but I just might be hitting my peak too.  I texted back and told him that seeing him, hearing his voice, just thinking about him was enough to make me want him.  Then I fell asleep.  I didn’t see his response until the next morning.  He simply told me good-night and that he hoped I had a restful sleep.  I honestly didn’t think another thing of it.

Day 9 passed as any other day.  I knew I’d be able to get Shane to bed on time and once again, head over to Treun’s place to spend a few hours with him.  When I got there, he kissed me and led me to the couch.  We snuggled up and found something to watch on t.v. while we chatted.  After about 30 minutes, I realized he had no intention of having sex and wondered what was on his mind.  It didn’t bother me as I understand that I have a high drive and he may just not have wanted to have sex.

After a bit longer, he started talking about my text from the night before.  He said that he really didn’t know how to respond to it.  He said that he knows how I feel and he just doesn’t feel that way about me.  He enjoys my company and likes spending time with me but that he doesn’t have any deep feelings for me.  He looked me dead in the eye when he said that.  He doesn’t love me and he doesn’t have any deep feelings for me.  He is content with the status quo of being boyfriend/girlfriend.

I asked him about the time he asked me if I could let myself be loved, about our retirement conversations, and all the other things that he’s done that have been actively showing me love.  He said that he talks about retirement like that because he wants to spend it with someone in general.  He said that he would treat any of his friends as he’s been treating me.  I simply didn’t know what to say as his actions and now his words did NOT fit together.  But I’ve have this habit of thinking that people mean what they say and say what they mean.

I saw his face when he said that he has no deep feelings for me.  He meant every word of it and my world crumbled.

I left in a daze.  After asking him those few questions, I just didn’t have anything else to say.  As I walked to my car, he called out, “Good night, sweetheart.”  How can he call me sweetheart when he has no deep feelings for me?

I got home and went to bed immediately.  I was awake at 2 am and could not go back to sleep.  I got online and saw that Endellion was on Skype.  I sent her a “You up?” message.  She was as she was working on some school work.  I asked if I could call and went out onto the porch to talk to her.

Endellion insists that he loves me.  I insist that he doesn’t.  We spent an hour trying to figure out what my next step is.  I realized that I can’t live the status quo knowing he doesn’t have deep feelings for me.  She once again insisted that he does, no matter what he says.  Rationally, I see the validity of her points but it doesn’t change the fact that I don’t know if I can live in a relationship with someone who says that and believes it about himself.  I’m in love with him and he isn’t in love with me.

The status quo just stopped.  I had some serious decisions to make.

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    1. Sunday Bonus Post – An Epiphany | Hope Wears Heels
    2. Time to Think | Hope Wears Heels
    3. Decisions | Hope Wears Heels

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