Go the fuck away already and stay there! I don’t want you in my world anymore. Just leave me be and get out of my head. Thank you so much.
Ok, I won’t actually send that but there it is. I need him out of my world, out of my head. I need him far, far away from me where I never have to see him or think about him again. Because when I do see him, I think about him, and I feel hurt all over again. Also, when I do see him and actually talk to him, I turn into a royal bitch!
I called Rose yesterday afternoon and told her I wanted to run her gas money over and the kids’ new counseling session schedules over to her since she’s been helping me get the kids to/from their appointments. There was a strange truck in her front yard but I didn’t think a thing of it. I heard someone in the background say, “Hope, how are you feeling?” It took me a moment to realize it was Sean and that Rose had actually put him on the phone. Ugh. I told him I was fine and thanks for asking. Since I’d already told Rose that I was bringing the stuff over, I gathered all my strength and headed across the street.
I walked in the door and he was standing there. The only thing I could really think was, “Oh, shit. He really is here.” Rose and I got to talking while he was standing there and I told her about the procedure I have to have done next week. Sean asked me if I had someone to take me. I told him a friend was dropping me off and that Treun would be there to bring me home. I said, “I didn’t want him to take the entire day off work because he took the entire week off that week I was in the hospital.” He left rather quickly after that.
I chatted with Rose a bit more and headed home. When I walked in my front door, it hit me. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I pointed out what Treun had done for me to hurt Sean or at least to let him know that how Treun treated me was how I deserved to be treated. I wanted him to know I have this amazing man in my life who is THERE for me like he never was, never could be.
I feel like I turn into some kind of stark-raving bitch when I have to interact with Sean. I can’t just treat him as just another acquaintance. I can’t just be civil and move on. I guess there is still a lot of hurt in there for how he treated me and then just disappeared on me. I’d thought I’d worked through it and gotten beyond it. How can I be in love with Treun and still have these unresolved feelings for Sean?
Endellion says it is entirely possible and not a bad thing. I’m still mourning for what happened with Sean. It still hurts to lose a friend, especially when one doesn’t get any type of closure. I guess I see that with Celia. She desperately wants some kind of closure with me and I shut that door. I don’t owe her closure. Sean owes me nothing. Getting closure with him would just bring old wounds out into the open for both of us. I can deal with my own buried wounds alone without bringing him into it. He doesn’t have the right or privilege of getting to know what I think or feel. He doesn’t get to know how hurt I was. He doesn’t get to see the inner workings of my heart. He lost that right when he walked out of my door and out of my life.
I know I’ll get past this. I just don’t think about him that much, so even though it’s been 7 months, I haven’t worked through what happened as much as I need to. I need to find a way to say good-bye to this man who I called friend and wanted to call lover. I can sit here and tell myself how bad he was for me, how much it would’ve messed up my world to get really involved with him but it doesn’t change the fact that we DID have a relationship, strange as it was. I need to mourn the loss of my friend.
I’ll work through it a step at a time until I find that the path has smoothed out and no longer causes pain on the walk.