I Thought I Was OK With This

Apparently, I’m not as ok with Treun not telling me he loves me as I thought I was.  This has been rattling around in my head since it happened.  Also, “Can you let yourself be loved?” has been repeating itself over and over.  He asked that on one of our first dates.  I chewed on it, I wrote about it, I talked to Endellion about it.  I came to the conclusion that he would have to prove himself in order for me to know the answer to the question.

During this entire gallbladder health crisis, he’s proved what kind of man he is.  I’ve been falling in love with him for awhile now and that only cemented it.  It also cemented the fact that yes, indeed, I can let myself be loved.

Now he tells me that he doesn’t know what love is or if he can feel it again?  WTF?  Seriously?  Honestly, I feel like I’ve been misled.  I feel betrayed and hurt.  Why did he ever ask me that when this is now his response?  Did he think he could love again and just now figure out that he can’t?  Is this something that he’s been thinking about?  What is going on in his mind?

I wish I knew.

I just know that we are maintaining the status quo for now.  Nothing has really changed except I sensed something in our lovemaking the other day.  Sure, we had sex that night that I told him but it was too new for either of us to have processed what I told him and his reaction.  Five days later, it was a different story.  I felt more from him.

I wish I could describe what having sex with him that day felt like.  It was almost as if he was seeing me with new eyes.  He was more gentle and more intense than he usually is.  It was almost as if he was showing me with his body that he does, in fact, love me even if the words won’t come or he can’t admit to either of us that he feels that way toward me.  At one point, he kissed my knee with such tenderness and admiration that it was almost worshipful.  I don’t mean that in a blasphemous way but it felt as if I was the most precious thing in the world to him in that moment, if that makes sense.

Why are the words so important to me?  Bubba said the words yet never lived them out.  Treun lives them out yet doesn’t say them.  Maybe I need the complete package.  I guess I just want him to acknowledge it.  Him saying that he doesn’t know what it feels like or if he can love again cuts me to the quick.  It almost feels like a personal attack, especially when he is living love toward me.

I’m twisted up about this and I don’t want to be.  Endellion says it is too early to talk to him about our future but I want to.   For now, I’ll bide my time and wait for him to mention it again.  He will.  Eventually.  He’s not been one to shy away from hard conversations so I have a feeling he’ll talk to me about this when he is ready.

I just have to be patient and not go out of my mind before then.

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3 Comments

  1. Or you can tell him what you have been writing here … that he communicates love to you with every action and gift of his presence. Maybe he’s dealing with “additional expectations” that have been brought against him with those words in the past, and he needs to realize the word applies to who he is now.

    I told one of my friends who I was interested in, “Thank you for loving me,” because I wanted him to learn this about my love. That there isn’t an expectation of him being a different person, and the reason I am confident in our friendship is because he already handles me with visible, tangible love. Even though the romantic element didn’t work out for us, he seems very grateful that I understood the quality of what we gift to each other every day.

    • Awwww, I’m so glad you have someone like that in your life!

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