Scared Spitless

I have to have the stent removed in two weeks.  I knew it was coming up but I hadn’t gotten the appointment scheduled until yesterday.  It is real now, it is concrete.  It is going to happen.

I’m going to go to the hospital and allow them to put me under, stick tubes down my throat and pull out the life-saving stent they put into me a couple of weeks ago.

What if something goes wrong with this like it did with my gallbladder?  What if they screw up or my body just does something like no normal human’s body?  What if I go under and don’t wake up?

Yeah, I’m scared spitless to have this done.  Treun is trying to be reassuring but it isn’t helping.  What can combat this fear?  I know I should pray about it but I’m still on iffy terms with God.  I can pray for other people, I can talk to Him about other people’s needs yet I’m still not in a place where I can ask for things for myself.

I’ve talked to my boss and am taking that day as a vacation day.  I put in for the next day as a vacation day too and she said she’d cancel it if I was up to coming in.  She won’t put it in the computer until that day because she doesn’t know how to cancel it out of the system once it is in.  She is working with me and told me to run down to HR and discuss it with the HR Lady.  We want to be set up and ready to go in case I need to use short term disability again.

I have all of my ducks in a row.  I’m just scared to death to have this procedure.  They are going to put me under general again.  They are going to pull the stent out.   I think I just figured out what the real basis of the fear is – what if the bile leak hasn’t healed?  What if I have to endure that pain again?  What if we just have to start all over again with another stent?  That pain of a bile leak is not something I ever want to endure again.  I can’t go through it another time.  I just can’t.

I just have to find a way to deal with the anxiety I’m having for the next two weeks.  I guess I’ll try to pray even if it does feel fake to me.

Well, I’ve always figured out a way to deal with things in the past, I’ll figure this one out too.

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