So much has happened to my body in the past month and I’m struggling with things I thought I’d worked through.
I have four scars across my belly from the gallbladder surgery and my abs are shot. Since the doctor used staples the scars each look like four division signs strung together. I’m not happy with the way they’ve changed the landscape of my stomach. My belly button looks different because they went through the top of it for one of the incisions. I still have trouble engaging my core because when they blew me up with gas, they stretched and tore my ab muscles. I am working on engaging my core as much as possible but it is hard and wears me out quickly.
When Treun and I had Neil and June over, I mentioned to June that the scars bother me. Treun said, “Do they bother me? I’ve told you so many times that it is ok, they are just a part of you.” He said this with firmness and I could hear the underlying frustration in his voice. It really made me think, “Why is this bothering me so badly?” I don’t like the answer. My stomach is still my sore spot. Bubba harped on it so much that I still have trouble looking at my stomach and thinking anything other than, “He offered to get me a tummy tuck because it was so ugly.” Treun is NOT Bubba. I know this but this Ghost is hard to kill.
I stepped on the scale today and I’m 113 pounds. I hit this weight last year and really had to start watching what I ate to make sure I didn’t lose any more weight. This year, I’m down to that but my body is so different because of all that happened to it in the past month. My clothes still don’t fit right, my bras are leaving big marks across my chest and they are still very uncomfortable. I’ve lost muscle and tone and I know the scale isn’t an accurate measure of where my body is.
I look in the mirror and see ugly. I hate it because I’m not recovered enough to do anything about it either. Plus, I have another procedure scheduled for two weeks from now. It is an easy procedure done with a scope, but still, I’ll be in for another round of healing right when I should be able to start working on my body. It will probably be another six weeks after that before I can start really working on getting my body back in shape. From today, that means two more months of looking at myself like this and being unable to do a damn thing about it.
I guess I can work on my perception of myself in that time. I can try to learn to love my body as it is now. I had a health crisis and I’m so thankful to be alive. I have to keep pushing that thought into the front of my brain. I am thankful to be alive, my physical appearance is NOT important in the grand scheme of things because I can fix it.
Maybe if I tell myself that enough, I’ll believe. Maybe I can kill this Ghost while I physically heal.