I Am No Longer a Coward
I got Shane in bed and went over to see Treun for a bit. We talked for a few minutes then he went into his bedroom to look for something. I followed him in and plopped myself on his bed. We continued to chat as he looked.
He found what he was looking for and snuggled up on the bed with me. After a few minutes, when we were just snuggling I said, “I’m a coward.” He asked how I was a coward. I told him because, “Because I’m in love with you and I’ve been too afraid to tell you. I don’t want to upset the status quo but the fact is that I love you.” He was very quiet for moment. He told me then that he was so broken by what happened with his ex-wife that he doesn’t know what love is or even if he can feel it again. I told him that was an ok place to be.
All of my friends had been telling me that he was simply waiting for me to tell him first. I honestly didn’t know what was going to happen but in the million times I ran that scenario through my head, I never heard him say it back. I wasn’t shocked by it.
I can’t say that I’m upset and I can’t say that I’m not upset. I don’t know what I feel. I think numb tops the list. I’m no longer afraid of the status quo. If he can’t live with the fact that I love him, then we part ways and I grieve. If he chooses to continue on as we have been, at least I know my words are out there and knowing Treun, he’s chewing on them. He’ll analyze them from every angle that he can. When he’s done thinking it through he’ll talk to me about it. I didn’t push the conversation beyond that last night but we will have to talk about what we both want from this relationship. We’ll have to talk about where we see our futures going.
Right now we both have a crazy mix of conversations about the future. Sometimes we talk as if we’ll be together forever. Other times we talk as if we’ll both be single forever. We’re at a weird place right now. I think, for both of us, we haven’t been together long enough for either of us to definitely say one way or another what we want to happen in a year, in five years, for the rest of our lives. I think, in so many ways, we are still getting to know one another and testing the waters. I know that my children play heavily into this for him. His children are grown and I’m still in the thick of parenting three very hurt children. I don’t know whether he wants to jump into that completely or not. Mostly, I think he’s going to bolt because he doesn’t want to deal with raising more kids, especially ones with the myriad of issues mine have.
For now, I will be content with the fact that he shows me love every day. He has turned “love” into a verb and though the words aren’t there, he demonstrates love to me all the time. He was there during my entire illness, he agonized over the fact that he could do nothing to help, it hurt him to see me hurt. I learned with Bubba that words are cheap. It is one’s actions that truly show love. I can live without those words from Treun because of who he is and how he treats me.
He’ll figure it out one day. Until then the status quo will maintain and we will just be Treun and Hope.
Trust me, I have enough hope for both of us.