Another New Experience Regarding Sex
In the past, with Bubba, it was all about sex….well, sex for him. If I was sick, recovering from childbirth, recovering from surgery, or if I had a headache, it simply didn’t matter to Bubba. He wanted to know when I would have sex with him again and if I couldn’t or wouldn’t, all hell would break loose. I would be made to pay, even if I’d just had a baby.
He let me wait all of four weeks after Serenity’s birth before he wore me down. That was the first time I remember that he raped me. He badgered, he cajoled, he belittled, he wore me down until I gave in. There was no respect for me or my healing. There was only the fact that Bubba wanted sex and I was to provide it. After that and the horrible pain I had for well over a year after Serenity’s birth, I made sure to schedule post-partum or post-op checks eight weeks out so that I could say that I wanted to see the doctor first so that I didn’t have that kind of pain again. Yes, it was a valid reason, but yes, I paid for it.
When I had surgery a few years ago, he was complaining before I even had the surgery that we wouldn’t be able to have sex for so many weeks after. Again, I purposely scheduled my post-op check eight weeks out. When I went for my post-op check I asked the doctor to write a note instructing me to wait two additional weeks because he felt I wasn’t healed enough. It was one of the few times I outright lied to Bubba, but I didn’t feel ready to have sex yet. The doctor was good enough to understand that and provide the letter for me. Today, I am stunned that I had to have a doctor write me a get-out-of-sex-free card so that my husband would allow me the time to heal that I needed. What was that all about? I often wonder if the doctor would’ve said or done more had he and Bubba not had a relationship outside of him being my doctor (they knew each other through Bubba’s job). The doctor remained silent, even after being told by the nurse at the hospital that she had to ask me if I’d like Bubba to be removed from my room then reading Bubba the riot act because of his behavior.
Now, here I am recovering from a different surgery and not once has Treun brought up sex. Not once has he asked about it, hinted that he misses it, wants it, or needs it. When I was so sick, my mind was not in the gutter at all and it’s usually firmly in place there. I was picking up a prescription a few days after I got out of the hospital the first time and was standing in the condom aisle, waiting to pick up my meds. I didn’t have one thought about them at all. That alone showed me how horrible I was feeling. I texted that to Treun and he said that I’d feel better someday and be back to myself. Huh? No innuendo? No rush to get back to myself for him? Weird.
During all that time in the hospital, Treun was there with nary a complaint about what he was going through to help me. At one point, I vaguely remember him asking to switch positions when we were “dancing” because his foot was getting sore, but it was not a complaint so much as a request so that he could continue supporting me. He gave of himself tirelessly. It wasn’t about him at all. It was all about me and comforting me as much as he could. Endellion tells me now that they spoke on the phone a few times so Treun could keep her updated. She said the pain in his voice was apparent when he spoke of how powerless he felt to help me. She almost slipped and said, “That’s normal to feel like that about those we love.” At the last minute she substituted “love” with “care about.” Treun and I haven’t said the L word to each other yet. We’re both still waiting.
Since I’ve been recovering, I’ve been thinking more and more about sex and how much I miss it. My brain is fully on board with our reunion even though my body is still far from ready to do anything about it. When we were snuggling at his house the other evening, I told him I was eager to get all better so that we could enjoy each other again and he agreed with me. He had waited for me to say something. I know that he wouldn’t have mentioned it had I not started the conversation.
This is surreal. A man not even mentioning sex? A man understanding that I am SICK? Huh? I don’t get it. This has never happened for me. Bubba made it all about him and his “needs.” It was never about me and what my body could physically handle. Now here is this man who won’t even mention sex because he understands that it isn’t appropriate at this time. It really set my world into a tail spin. How does one process health like this when all one has known was abuse?
It all comes down to the fact that Treun is a good man. He doesn’t have to be Super Man or anything over the top special. He is simply a good man. And that is something that Bubba never was or will be.
Truen and I will resume our physical relationship when my body is ready. It will be entirely up to me and I have no doubts that he will treat me as the finest of crystal when we do have our reunion. I know he will be careful with my body and he will watch himself and his position. He will take care not to hurt me. I know this about him. I have no doubts. I am safe in Treun’s hands.
I am cherished.