Oh, The Emotions

I’m a feeler.  There’s just nothing more to it.  Whereas I used to stuff everything, now I stuff nothing.  I feeeeeeeeeel everything and I feel it keenly.

Two days after my release from the hospital, I decided to walk Shane out to his bus stop.  I threw my hair up, put on a pair of sweat pants and an old t-shirt, and moseyed on over across the street.

Sean’s sister came out with her son to get him on the bus and we were casually talking.  She told me I could head on home and she’d make sure Shane got on the bus.  I told her that the walk over had taken so much out of me that I was just trying to work up the energy to walk back over.  Oh, how I wish I had just gone because two minutes later she said, “Oh, it’s my brother.”

Fuck.

What in all that is good and holy is Sean doing back at his mom’s house at 8 in the morning?  I look like hell, feel worse, and was just not up for this.  Not even a little bit.  It took him forever to get out of the car and that forever was more stressful for me than I care to admit.  Finally, he got out of the car and walked past me.  He said, “Feeling better?”  I said, “I’m feeling somewhat human again.” and he walked in the house.  That was it.  That was the extent of our interaction but it was a like a knife through the heart.  Really, I didn’t feel anything but a deep regret.  I don’t know him anymore, maybe I never did.

I headed home and started fixing myself something for breakfast.  I looked out the window and saw Sean sitting on the front porch talking on the phone.  I sat down at my kitchen table and sobbed.  How many times in the past had I looked out to see that same sight and felt comforted and happy that he was there?  Now I felt only regret and sadness of what we’d lost.  I found no comfort in his presence and in fact starting praying, asking God why he was back and to just make him go home and get out of my world.  I don’t want him in my world at all, not even a little bit.

Why, after all this time, am I breaking down, sobbing hysterically over someone I was over quite awhile ago?  I’m in love with Treun, for crying out loud, why am I once again mourning Sean?  Here, let me bang my head into the wall and see if that helps any.

I called Endellion and told her about this.  I also told her that Luke had posted on Facebook that his new relationship started in 2000.  They’d dated for eight years and broke up for a few years, but he’s now taking it back to 2000?  What about last summer?  Did that not happen?  I sat and cried about that and the fact that he’d posted her picture.  WTF?  I’m quite happy with Treun yet I’m sitting at my kitchen table crying over Sean and Luke?  Am I insane?

Endellion thinks it is a case of me being in a real relationship now and the fact that I can see the possibilities with Treun that bring into stark contrast what I could never have with either Sean or Luke.  Luke was a fairy tale.  It wasn’t real.  Sure, we could’ve had something possibly, if we were at different points in our lives or lived anywhere near each other.  We had our moment together and it could’ve been great but it wasn’t meant to be.  Sean was just bad for me in every way.  Having such a great guy in my life now really spotlights how crappily Sean treated me.  Had I been with Sean and gone through this, I know that he would not have been there, been reliable, like Treun was.  Sean just can’t be that man.  This was just another level of understanding where my relationships with both Sean and Luke were and could never be.  It was just another level of mourning.

Also, I needed to get some emotion out about everything that happened to me.  I still hate to say that I could’ve died, I hate to admit that, but there it is.  I had some massive complications from my surgery and had they not found the bile leak when they did, my organs could’ve been permanently damaged and it could’ve killed me.  I don’t like to admit it and I don’t like to face it.  I have to live for roughly ten more years, long enough to get Shane to 18 so Bubba never gets custody of him.  Yes, there are some really big emotions that I need to deal with and seeing Sean and Luke’s Facebook stuff was a good catalyst to release some emotions.

I’m a feeler and I wasn’t allowing myself to feel anything.  To be honest, I’m still not.  I’m still weepy and I try to push it down.  I don’t want to deal with the emotions of it because then it will be real.  If I acknowledge what happened to me, I can no longer believe in my own invincibility.  I will have to accept that I could be taken away from my children at any moment.  I will have to accept that I prayed for death over the pain that I felt last week.

There, I said it.  I prayed for death.  Knowing what it would mean for my children, the repercussions of them having to live with Bubba had I died, I prayed that God would just take me because the pain was so very unbearable.  There is guilt there, lurking in me about that.  I don’t want to deal with it.  I don’t want to face it.  I don’t want to look my kids in the eyes and tell them that the pain was more important than they were.

Life really does suck sometimes.  For now, I’m just going to bury the emotions and try to keep them contained.  I’ll find another convenient outlet to release some, so for now I’m back to mourning “what if” even though I know the answer.  It is easier to revisit “what if” with both Sean and Luke than to face the fact that I wanted to die and didn’t care that that would mean consigning my kids to live with Bubba.

I pick my battles and I’m not strong enough to fight that particular one yet.

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