Holding Back

I realized it Saturday night when we dropped Noble off at his friend’s house in my old sub-division.  I’m holding back from Treun.  I’m not letting him in.  In little bits and pieces I am, but when it is something huge like Going Back, I shut him out.  I needed to cry so badly Saturday night, to just sob for everything I’ve been through and everything I’ve accomplished.  I needed to release that emotion and I held it in.  It desperately tried to escape with the leaking tears but I held it in as much as I could.  How can I have any kind of real relationship  with Treun if I’m not letting him into my world.  I’m still holding him at the gate and not letting him pass through to who I really am.

After I went back yesterday morning, I headed over to his place to talk to him about this.  When I arrived, Noble was awake and Treun was paying bills.  It was not a good time to drag him off to his bedroom for a big old heart-to-heart.  Yet, deep down, I know if I’d asked him to go with me, he would’ve.  I chickened out.  I used it as a convenient excuse not to have that conversation with him yet.

Holding back from him is unfair to him, unfair to me, and unfair to our relationship.  It will ensure the break-down of our relationship, in fact.  I need to be able to trust Treun with every part of myself, not just the piecemeal parts I’ve been doling out.

The thing is that I don’t need him to be my battle buddy.  I have one of those already.  Endellion and I fight side by side and she is what I need in this battle.  I need Treun to be the one I come home to for comfort and succor.  I need him to be the one who tends my battle wounds.  I need him to be the one I can cry on and know that he will hold me and listen.  After the battles, I need to come home to his strong arms.

I have to figure out a way to let him fully into my world.  I’m not right now because deep down, I’m afraid.  I see it in Serenity.  She avoids Treun like the plague because she’s waiting for that other shoe to drop.  She’s waiting for him to walk out of our lives.  She asked me just the other day how I know he’ll stick around.  I had to tell her that I can’t guarantee that he will but I really don’t see him going anywhere.  With my realization, I am now fully aware that there is a part of me that thinks like Serenity.  I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Being afraid now, after all I’ve been through and conquered, is abhorrent to me.  Fear will NOT stop me.  It will NOT rule me.

Yet, I was so relieved that I could put that conversation with Treun off for another few days.  He noticed that I was quiet and not myself.  He asked how I’d slept the night before because I looked tired.  I told him that I slept pretty decently.  What I didn’t say to him in that moment was that I’d just been back to the old house and that I’d sobbed my heart out with Endellion.  I didn’t tell him I was exhausted from the battle I’d just fought.  I didn’t give him the chance to offer me comfort because of fear.

This is completely unacceptable to me.  Yet, I’m stuck.  My mouth is locked tight and I don’t know how to open it.  I don’t know how to tell him all that is in my head.  I don’t know how to let him in.  I sit in fear.  Fear of leaving?  Fear of him not understanding?  Fear of him finally seeing how broken I still am?  I don’t know.  I just know that if I can’t unlock my mouth and let him into my world, I need to end this.  What we have now is not a true relationship.  I’m holding back and there can be no true relationship when I’m not giving it my all.

The question is:  What am I more afraid of?  Opening myself to him or losing him?

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3 Comments

  1. For me, both those questions would be the same question. “Will I lose him because/after I open myself to him?” and “Maybe I should just skip the vulnerability part and then if I lose him it might not hurt so much?” You already seem to feel clear that it is better to live in the truth of where you both are, I think. Maybe you could entrust him with your open hesitation first, and move from there.

    • Every day gets easier to open up. It’s fits and starts still, but getting easier.

      • I suppose someday I’ll be practicing this with something more than friendship. I’m learning from you as you go. It will help when the time comes. Thanks.

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