Going Back – Part 2

After going back last night, I knew I had to go back into our sub-division in the broad light of day.  I had to drive past our old house.  I had to know that demon has no power over me any longer.  I’d contemplated calling Treun and asking him to go along with me but I strongly felt that I had to do this alone.  I texted Endellion and told her what I was doing and asked her to pray for me.

When I turned into the subdivision, I could feel the panic rising.  I knew I could, in fact, not do this alone and quickly called Endellion.  She answered right away and I asked if she had time to go for a ride with me. She did because that is who she is.  She is my battle buddy and would never abandon to me to fight alone if I needed her strong sword to protect and defend me.

I told her that this was just a place, it couldn’t hurt me, I was safe.  She reaffirmed those for me.  She told me that memories don’t have power over me.  I can take the power back from the memories.  As I turned that final corner onto my old street, I could feel the hysteria rise.  I could feel myself beginning to hyperventilate.  The tears were flowing freely, racing each other down my cheeks as if there was a prize for being the first to fall off my jaw.  I stopped in front of our old house.  It didn’t look any different except for the cars parked in the drive-way.  My mind flashed back to that last night, the night of The Incident.  I could see the movie of my memory playing in my head.  I could see all the bad times with Bubba.  I could hear him screaming at me, I could see him looming over Serenity in the corner where the fence met the house.  It was as if all the pain of the years in that house descended on me in that moment.

Then I could clearly see Maria’s and Arcadia’s cars parked in the driveway.  I could see the children playing in the yard during one of our many playdates.  I could see Maria standing sentinel on the front porch when Bubba came to pick up the kids for one of his visitations right after we split up.  I could feel the love of my friends surround me.  I could remember that even though this was the place where so much abuse happened, this was also the place that I stood up to Bubba and kicked him out of the house.  This is the place where I started to find my strength.  This is the place where I got free from the hell I’d lived for too many years.

Suddenly, that house had no power over me.  With tears streaming down my face, I began to smile.  I noticed that there is a crepe myrtle tree in the front yard.  I’d never known what kind of tree it was, just that it had beautiful flowers on it.  Now, thanks to Treun, I know what a crepe myrtle is because his entire neighborhood is filled with them and he is quite proud of the beauty they bring to his home.  How Treun has changed my life.  The tree in the front yard showed me that I am who I am because of who I was.  I wouldn’t be me without the experienced I lived in that house.

Endellion talked to me while I sat there and looked at the house.  She listened while I talked about the bad memories and the good memories.  She told me that in some cultures battle grounds are considered sacred ground.  That house was my battle ground.  That small chunk of earth is my sacred ground.  It has no power over me.

Today, I drew my sword, my beautiful, fierce Endellion by my side brandishing her sword also and we killed another demon.  We fought another battle and came out with a victory.  That place has no power over me.  I can bury it and move on.  I

n one more aspect, I am free.

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2 Comments

  1. I’m so glad for you! I’m also glad you brought Endellion along. I do so much better with a friend at my back, too.

    • Endellion is definitely my battle buddy. I don’t know how I would’ve done most of what I’ve done without her.

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