Going Back

Last night I was at Treun’s house.  Noble is visiting and we were just sitting around talking.  By the time I arrived both Treun and Noble had had a couple beers.  They were just sitting around talking, watching a movie.  Treun had told Noble that once I got there, they’d have to switch movies because I do not like gory movies.  We found another movie to watch and were all quiet for about 30 minutes.

Noble got up and announced that he needed to clean up because he was going out with his friends.  Since he’d left his car at his friend’s house, both Treun and I expected that his friend would be picking him up.  About 20 minutes later, Noble sat down on the couch and asked if I’d drive him over to his friend’s house.  Treun said he’d ride along with me then added, “We can take my truck.”  Aha!  The man knows me so well.  You see, I love driving Treun’s truck.  It makes me feel large and powerful because it’s a big truck.  It is surprisingly comfortable for me to drive and it’s size does not intimidate me.  Then I looked at the two men I’d be transporting and said, “We’ll take my car.”  Both Treun and Noble are very large men.  Not only are they tall, they are both broad-shouldered and solidly built.  Noble is about two inches taller than his father but to me, they are both very big men.  Whoever sat in the backseat of Treun’s truck would be mighty uncomfortable.

I asked Noble where his friend lives and he told me right off a major road and……in my old sub-division.  I had been walking toward the front door and those words stopped me dead.  Treun was right behind me and noticed that I’d stopped.  He put his hand on the small of my back, looked at me, and asked me if I was alright.  I couldn’t even shake my head.  I was too busy telling myself I was fine, I could do this, it had to happen eventually, all that stuff to talk myself out of the PTSD reaction that was threatening to take over.  I would NOT give in to this, especially in front of Treun and Noble.

You see, I still drive by the old sub-division, but I don’t even look at the entrance.  I either look straight ahead or across the street.  I’ve been studiously avoiding looking at the big sign with the name on it since I left.  Now I had to enter the belly of the beast.  I had to go down that old road that I used to walk on a regular basis.  I had to head toward my old home, the one where Bubba hurt me so badly and finally exploded on us.

I had a raging headache by the time I was two minutes away from Treun’s house.  I could feel it pounding right behind my right eye.  It was a typical abuse-related headache.  It throbbed more the closer I got to our destination.  I had a death grip on the steering wheel.  Treun asked if I was ok and I somehow managed to shake my head yes and no at the same time.  My jaw was clenched so I stuck my tongue between my teeth because you cannot clench your jaw without biting your tongue off that way.  I think Treun spoke to me after that but I don’t know.  I was firmly in my head, repeating a litany of “I am ok.  I can do this.  I will not succumb to the terror.  I am stronger than this.”  Over and over that repeated; over and over I could hear another part of my brain screaming.

We got Noble dropped off and I considered taking another way out of the sub-division but it was faster to go out the way we’d come in and I just needed to get out.  I think I drove back out to the main road like the hounds of hell were on my heels.  I stopped at the stop sign and saw a car coming.  Normally, I would’ve waited, but I gassed it and pulled out.  I needed to get as far from there as I could.

We got back to Treun’s house and I went straight for the ibuprofen.  Both of us had been eager to get Noble out of the house so that we could be alone.  Treun wasted no time taking off his clothes and even though I was in pain and still shaking, I needed him and eagerly stripped down too.  I was still desperately fighting tears.  I won’t cry in front of Treun and that’s probably another post but the tears leaked silently the entire time we were together.  I realized after he first entered me that the tears were no longer about going back there.  They were trying to get out because of the extreme contrast of what I had now vs. what I had then.

When Treun moved to go into a different position, I froze.  I couldn’t.  I’ve overcome the fear of that particular position, but I just couldn’t move.  He looked at me and said, “That’s not working for you tonight?  That’s ok, honey.  Come here.”  He laid down and left it up to me whether I wanted to snuggle into him or whether I wanted to get on top of him.  He was giving me the position of power, somehow understanding, probably subconsciously, that I needed that.  I was in charge and it was up to me where we went from there.

When we were spent and snuggling, I couldn’t help the steady flow of tears as they fell down my face and onto his chest.  He was strangely quiet as he’s usually quite the chatterbox after sex.  He finally squeezed me to him with his massive arm and asked me if I was ok.  I said, “It was just really hard to go back there.”  He said he knew.  We talked a bit about how it surprises both of how much the past can still hurt.

I still don’t know what I felt about that experience last night.  I can’t pick out the emotions.  They are locked in my brain for now.  All I know is that one of my first thoughts upon getting back to Treun’s house last night was, “Fuck.  Now I have to bite the bullet and go over there.  I have to see the house.  I have to face this.  Fuck.  Fuck.  Fuck.  I’m not ready for this.”  Yet, I know how I work.  I know that I can’t NOT do it.  I have to.  I am compelled to face it now.

I needed to get this all out but now I’m going to shower and decide if I want to do this alone or if I want to ask Treun to go with me.  I’ll think about it in the shower.  More than likely, I’ll go alone.  I don’t know how to share my pain with him.  I’d ask Endellion to go with me in a heartbeat.

I don’t want to do this alone yet I don’t know how to ask Treun to stand with me in this

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    1. Going Back – Part 2 | Hope Wears Heels
    2. Holding Back | Hope Wears Heels

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