Implications of Love
I love Treun.
I can admit it here. I can say the words when I’m writing. I can say them to Endellion and I can admit it to myself. I cannot, however, tell Treun that I love him. I’ve been thinking about this all day at work and I’ve been desperate to get home and write. Only when I got home, the words wouldn’t come. Endellion says I’m stuck in a loop of over-analysis.
Thinking is not my strength, at least thinking deep thoughts and analyzing things. I’m a feeler. I feeeeeeeeeeeeeeel. So when I get stuck in analysis, I get seriously stuck. I spin my wheels and get nowhere. I think that I’ve been utterly bathing in sensation for the past two months with the kids gone and enjoying the extremely physical relationship with Treun that now that it is about to change since the kids are home, I switched modes. I went from feeling massive sensations to thinking about everything that comes from all of those sensations.
Why can’t I tell Treun how I feel? Why can’t I simply say, “I love you.” Three little words. So many huge implications.
Endellion and I talked when I got home from work this evening. I think we have it figured out. My over-analysis has produced some fruit. We may have come up with some reasons why this is so hard for me.
Endellion explained it this way: Before, Bubba used the fact that I loved him against me. My love was the chains that bound me to him – chains that I’d forged myself. I created the chains by loving him, giving him that power over me. He took the power of my love and used it to hurt me, to keep me subjugated, to keep me prisoner. She said that leaving was so hard because the hardest chains to break are the ones we create for ourselves. Truer words have never been spoken. It took me such a very long time to break those chains that I’d created for myself, binding me to Bubba.
Treun is nothing like Bubba however. Over and over he has been showing me that power means nothing to him. Already, I’ve given him so many things that he could’ve used as power over me and he hasn’t. He isn’t wired that way. Love is a gift, I know that. I also know that Treun would not see the love I offer him as anything other than a gift. Treun has no desire to control or manipulate me. He has no desire to exert any type of power over me.
I wonder if he is waiting for me to say “I love you” first. He’s been letting me lead in so many ways. Not all ways, but in the big things, he’s been letting me direct our path. Is he simply waiting for me to say the words first? Endellion also says that even though neither of us has spoken the words yet, every day we live love toward each other. In our kindness to each other, in our consideration of the other’s thoughts, feelings, and desires, we show the other the love we feel.
Each time we have sex, I look into his eyes and I see something in them that I can’t define. I don’t know the look in his eyes as I’ve never seen it before. The whimsical side of me wants to believe that it is him looking into my soul; his soul touching mine, telling me that he loves me. Yet, I don’t know if that is what it is or is it simply how one looks in the midst of passion? I desperately want to just say, “What are you thinking? I don’t recognize the look in your eyes and I want to understand it. I’ve never seen anything like it before.” It perplexes me.
Now I’m left with the question….Dare I say the words? I gave Treun my heart. He accepted it.
Can I find the courage to offer him the words to make them a matching set?