He Doesn’t Get It

Treun just doesn’t understand.  He doesn’t get it.  He will never understand abuse and I’m struggling right now with whether that is a good thing or a bad thing.  I simply don’t know.

Endellion insists it is a good thing because that means he has no experience with abuse, he has no frame of reference.  I see it as a mixed bag because often, I’m feeling very invalidated.  I know he doesn’t mean to invalidate my feelings but it is hard to hear him talk about how Bubba will “get over it” or “move on” as time goes on.  Treun seems to think that Bubba’s bad behavior is just that he hasn’t accepted the divorce and hasn’t moved on.  He can’t comprehend that Bubba’s bad behavior stems from the deep-seated believe that I am his possession and had no right to leave him.  Treun doesn’t understand the inner workings of an abuser or a narcissist.

I’m going to need to talk to him about this.  I need him to not try to apply logic and reason to the things that Bubba does because it makes me feel like I shouldn’t be feeling what I am feeling.  Treun seems to think that Bubba is in the same place he was three years ago when his marriage broke up.

Treun was devastated by the end of his marriage and had a hard time adjusting to the concept that the woman he’d loved and been with for 27 years just wasn’t there anymore.  He seems to think that Bubba is still in that headspace.  No!  Bubba isn’t in that headspace.  Bubba is in the place where his toy developed a mind of her own and walked away from him.  That is simply intolerable to Bubba because, according to him, I absolutely BELONGED to him and should have no thoughts of my own.

I think it may be time to pull out my copy of Why Does He Do That? and show Treun all the highlighting.  When you’ve never had any experience with abuse, how can you wrap your head around the things that an abuser does?  Hell, I lived it for two decades and I still have trouble wrapping my head around it.  But do I really want to do this?

Am I really ready for Treun to start understanding what I went through?  In one way, I think he thinks I’m making it up or exaggerating.  He mentioned the other night that he was surprised that I’d brought up oral sex (him giving to me) and the fact that I wanted it.  He said I’d told him it was going to be a big issue for me and it has been – until it just wasn’t.  It comes down to the fact that I feel safe with him.  It took me this long to feel that safe with him to let him, to want him to, do that to me.  Once I felt safe, it just wasn’t an issue anymore.  I didn’t need to ease into it because I’d already worked it out in the inner-most part of my being.

I also wonder if that is part of the issue too.  I’ve worked through so much of what Bubba and the FOO did to me that so much of it I can talk about without all the emotional angst that used to be a part of it.  Most of the abuse I can talk about with a kind of detached narrative – almost as if it had happened to someone else.  I’m not emotionally invested in it anymore -well, at least not until Bubba pulls more bone-headed shit.

We’re going to discuss it at one point.  I don’t know when that will be.  The opportunity will present itself, it always does.  I just have to be patient and wait.  Treun is a good man.  He will never get it but I fully believe he will get me.

He will be able to see a new way to relate to me so that he is affirming me when I need it.


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    1. Will He Be Their Dad? | Hope Wears Heels

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