Happiness and Trepidation

I carried out my plan last night.  I got a small heart prism and gave it to Treun.  He now has my heart and he knows it.

It’s been over a week since we’ve seen each other.  We were both eagerly anticipating being together again.  I’m still slightly perplexed to believe that he missed me.  It feels weird that he missed me as much as I missed him.  It still feels weird to be important to someone.  Anyway, I gave him his gift.  He opened it up, told me how beautiful it was, grabbed my hand, and practically ran into the bedroom.

That mind-blowing sex Luke used to tell me about?  Yeah, we had it last night.  Twice.  Actually, we’ve been having mind-blowing sex.  We fit together so well, our bodies work well together plus having a relationship……it all adds up.  Being with Treun is like nothing I’ve ever experienced before.  It truly makes a difference that we are in a relationship because we connect at a much deeper level than just the physical.  I wish I could explain it.

Later in the evening we were sitting on the couch and he was showing me pictures from his trip.  He realized that his FB still said, “single” and that it was still public.  He thought he’d hidden it.  He went to hide it and I suggested that he could put that he was in a relationship with me.  He did!  We are Facebook official now.  Hope is In a Relationship with Treun and Treun is In a Relationship with Hope.  We still haven’t said the L-word to each other yet but our hearts are both definitely involved.  I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.

I get the kids back in less than two weeks.  Summer will be over and school will begin again.  Along with that comes all the responsibilities of being a single parent again.  With Treun in the picture, I’m not sure how this is going to play out. We’ve had a wonderful summer, getting to know each other and just being us.  Now will come the nitty-gritty of every day life…everyday life with a mentally ill child.  Yes, there is mass trepidation there.  I’m worried.  Treun keeps telling me that we’ll figure it out but there is a part of me that still believes that no man will want us when they realize the extent of Shane’s issues.  His own father couldn’t deal with it, how could any other man?

Then I remember that Shane’s father is NOT a good man.  Treun is.  I keep telling myself that Treun understands because his middle child is so similar to Shane.  I really don’t think he was as ever as intense as Shane is, but Treun has a relatively good grasp of what I’m up against.

I need to talk to Treun though.  Is he ready to be a father to my kids?  Is he ready to step up to the plate and work on relationship with my children?  Serenity has blocked him at so many turns, most overtures, and every chance that she might get close.  She is scared. Scared that he’ll run away and leave us too.  She won’t open her heart up to him.  I understand it and know that only time will convince her that Treun isn’t going anywhere.  Hell, only time will convince me of that because I’m still waiting.

I know he keeps telling me that we’ll work it out.  I pray this is true.  I pray that we’ve had enough time this summer to cement our relationship enough that he’ll want to fight Shane’s demons with me rather than running away from them.  I want him to be a father to my kids.  I want him in my life for the rest of my life.

Only time will tell.  The clock is ticking and we have less than two more weeks before the alarm sounds and race is on.  Will he be in for the long haul or will he just stop?

We’ll see.

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