No More Regrets
I was rereading some of my old posts and I came to the one about Regrets. I got to thinking about it and wondering what has changed since I wrote that – what regrets would I have now if I died today.
Well, I told Luke how I felt about him so there’s that one gone. I’m glad I did it and I’m glad I finally got over him. Do I still love him? Yes. And I always will. It is the love of deep friendship, gratitude, and something more. He saved my life. In so many ways, he saved me. He will always have a special place in my heart but he no longer holds my heart in his hands.
I’ve found closure with the FOO (Family of Origin). Yes, I will probably always go through periods of mourning the loss of who I thought they were. I will always have periods of grief for how they chose Bubba over me. I no longer regret not sending any type of letter. I know it wouldn’t do any good and they’d only use it as ammunition against me.
Then I got to thinking about Sean. Do I regret what happened with Sean? Yes and no. Yes, I regret losing a friend and I still have times when I miss him terribly. There are moments when I’ll look across the street and have a moment of sadness that I’ll never again look out my door and see him sitting on his front porch, smoking. I’ll never again look up from my computer and see him standing at the door, smiling in at me as he opens it and walks in.
Then again, I don’t regret what happened with us. Looking back now, I learned so much, even if all the lessons I learned weren’t necessarily positive. I learned that I’m a very sexual being. I learned that chemistry can be amazing between two people. I also learned that raging infernos lead to getting burned. I’d always thought that having that huge spark at the beginning was necessary to have a good relationship and I learned otherwise.
There could have been no bigger spark than what Sean and I had. The first time he kissed me, my mind exploded. If that would be any indication, then we should’ve had a great relationship. We didn’t. The same thing (but to a lesser extent) happened with Steve. I learned that I wanted to get to know a man before the sparks started flying. Would I have given Treun another date had I not so painfully learned this lesson? I don’t know.
I look back over the past at the men who’ve played such important roles in my life since I left Bubba and I can say that I learned so much from each of them. I learned about love, life, relationships, and mostly, I learned about me. I learned that I have amazing strength. I didn’t let any of the experiences break me completely. I got knocked down and sometimes I stayed down longer than others but I always got back up.
I’m also done living in fear. I conquered the fear of telling Luke how I felt about it. I conquered the fear of having sex again. I’ve conquered the fear of loving a man. Now I must conquer the fear of telling that man that I love him. I’d wanted to wait for him to say it first, but I’m done waiting and I’m done being afraid. I plan to tell him tomorrow.
No more fear. No more regret. Just love and hope. Always Hope.