Conversations with Narcissists
I saw this image today on Facebook. It really struck me because I have, a few times, questioned why it is that I tend to clam up and not reveal my whole self to Treun. When we are talking, there are times that I think,”I’d like to tell him x, y, z but…..” then there are a myriad of reasons that I don’t talk. It’s only been fleeting and I never realized I was doing this until I saw this image.
I realized this morning that talking to Bubba had never ended well for me. If I revealed something about myself during one conversation, it would come back to bite me. Maybe not right away, but months down the line, he’d remember that and use it against me. I started not telling him things. I learned that defending myself for whatever perceived slight he brought to me only made it worse. I learned that revealing myself to him only gave him ammunition. No matter what I said, my words were twisted so I started saying less and less as the years wore on. I started saving my words in my head. I started screaming at him in my head. I fed Fluffy….a lot.
Fluffy no longer exists and even though I haven’t thought about her lately, I’m pretty sure Purity simply, quietly integrated somewhere along the line. I have no big cats living separate lives from me any longer so the rattling thoughts just seem to disintegrate into nothing after the moment has passed with Treun.
Today I realized that I have to work on this issue. I need to be more intentional about sharing myself with this man. I need to not lock away my thoughts because of fear. Treun continues to show me that I have nothing to fear from him. It is a gross injustice for me to lock parts of myself away from him. He deserves all of me as I deserve all of him. We’ve both been profoundly hurt by the people who were supposed to love us most. I wonder if he finds similar issues that he is fighting against. Does he get scared of having me act like his ex-wife? Is he waiting for me to hurt him too?
I was talking to him on Skype again last night (he’ll be home in 48 hours!!!!) and I so wanted to reach into the computer and touch him. Just to feel his skin under my fingertips. I can close my eyes and feel him. It hit me last night how very much I love this man. It isn’t a hearts and rainbows and flittery feeling. It is the love that comes from wanting to spend your life with someone, wanting to share the good and the bad (because you know life will be peppered with both), wanting to fight battles alongside of him – to have each other’s backs. I’m past the adolescent love that took over when I met Bubba; the idealistic love that said “love can conquer all.” I’ve learned differently. I loved Bubba and it didn’t conquer our problems because he chose to not fight alongside me and chose to fight me instead.
I know the difficulties Treun and I will face. We have crazy ex-spouses to deal with (although his crazy ex is a benign crazy). We have six children among us, although mine are the only ones who are still at home. I’m sure that at least one of my children will eventually take great delight in screaming, “You aren’t my dad, you can’t tell me what to do!” at Treun. As much as my children want a real Dad in their lives, it will be a big adjustment to have Treun enter that role. There will be tough times ahead. But more so than tough times, we’ll have wonderful times, happy times, content times.
When Treun gets back from his vacation in two days, I’m going to be intentional about opening up to him. I’m going to be vulnerable with him. I am going to have discussions with him, real conversations. It is time to destroy the armor plating and force fields once and for all. It is time to give him my whole heart. Love is a gift. I expect nothing in return from him. It is something I want to give this man; this wonderful man who breezed into my life when I least expected it.
I love him.
- Posted in: As Life Continues - My Story Now ♦ Second Year Divorced
- Tagged: abusive dynamic, afraid, boundaries, children, crazy, dating, emotional abuse, family, forever, good life, good man, healing, hurt, insanity, intimidation, life, love, marriage, ownership, parenting, responsibility, Treun, verbal abuse