I Love You
I’m waiting. I’m waiting for Treun to tell me he loves me. It seems that he does, I feel that he does. I know it is soon but I am waiting.
I don’t want to be the first to say, “I love you.” Someone questioned why this is and said she was the first one to say it to her husband before they were married. I figured I’d better sit down and unpack this.
As is usual for this type of processing, I called Endellion. I asked her why I felt the need to wait for Treun to say it first. She said that it is probably an old, Bad Law that the man has to say it first. For some reason this brought on today’s epiphany.
I don’t want to say it first because I feel that if he responds in kind, it will only be a reaction to me saying it. That he will say it in an effort to placate me or because he feels the need to keep me where he wants me – under his control. I know this is absolutely wrong once I was able to verbalize to Endellion that this is the reason I’ve been waiting for him to say it first.
I know that during the honeymoon phase of the abuse cycle, Bubba would tell me he loved me in order to convince me that *this* time he really was sorry. If he’s telling me loves me, how can I stay angry at him? If he’s saying he loves me, how could I believe that he deliberately hurt me? “I love you” was meant to wipe away a multitude of sins.
And now, in this new, wonderful relationship, I’m afraid of the words.
Treun is showing me with his every breath that he cares and respects me. Yet, I have a deep fear of telling him that I love him. I do. I love him. He feels like he belongs with me. He feels like he is my other half – the one I’ve waited my entire life to find. Yet, I am hesitant to tell him how I feel about him. I’m hesitant to tell him that I’m going to marry him someday.
I don’t now how I know, but I do. I was meant to be with this man. I was meant to love him and be loved by him. We are meant to grow old together.
Treun, I love you. Until I can say it with words, I will scream it with my actions. I will show you my love because the words are too much for me right now. I am fighting this Ghost. My sword is drawn and I’m in a fierce battle. For now, the words are locked inside me but know that I do love you.
I am yours.