Every Day

Treun and I have been together every day for the past few weeks.  I can’t imagine a day going by that I don’t see him.  We had one night this past week where we weren’t planning to see each other and I ended up inviting him over at the last minute.  He was at my house inside of 15 minutes.

My mind is still boggled by the fact that he seems to want to be with me as much as I want to be with him.  My mind is actually boggled by so much of what Treun does and says.  It is so far outside of my realm of experience that it simply leaves me with a puzzled look on my face and a feeling of, “I don’t get it.”

The week before last I cooked for him just about every evening of the week.  I enjoyed having him over and cooking for him.  One of the ways I show people I care about them is to cook or bake for them.  I know I’m a damn good baker and I’ve learned that I’m a pretty good cook too.  I know this about myself now.  I know that the years I spent with Bubba criticizing my cooking or flat out refusing to eat it stemmed from his issues, not my lack of skills in the kitchen.  To have Treun not only enjoy my efforts but to appreciate them leaves me wondering what it means.  How do I process this?

Each evening when he came over and I fed him dinner, I felt like I was giving him a piece of my heart and he was accepting it and gently cradling it to himself to care for and protect.  Not once did I fear that he would take that piece of my heart and hurt it or squash it.  Yes, I was nervous the first couple of times, hoping he would like what I made.  Now, though, I’m sure that even if he doesn’t like something, even if he tells me he didn’t care for what I made, he will be appreciative of the fact that I made it.  I know that I won’t  make everything to his taste.  There is just no way I could do that.  I also know that he will never make me feel stupid or horrible for making something he simply doesn’t have the taste for.  He will still value the time and effort I put into cooking.  That means something to me.

He’s getting ready to go out of town for a week.  How do I get through a week without seeing him each day?  How do I continue to operate when the person who is, more and more, feeling like my other half is out of reach?

Well, I need to get shit done!  We’ve both been neglecting our chores in favor of spending time together.  My house is a wreck and I desperately need to do some grocery shopping for staples.  I get food for the week but my stash of regular “have in the pantry just in case” is dwindling.

I also still have some remodeling work to do in my house.  I started doing it a few weeks ago and it is taking forever because work gets in my way.  It took even longer because I’d rather spend time with Treun than do the work I need to do at home.  The kitchen is done.  I need to work on the living room and hallway.  Serenity and I still haven’t really decided what to do with the bathroom.  We can’t decide on a theme or color or anything.  Serenity and I have vastly different tastes so that makes it all the more complicated.  I think I’m going to end up with a Nerdcentric bathroom.  That makes me giggle.

I’m enjoying spending time every day with Treun.  I’m soaking it up while I can.  I know once Liam and Shane come back from Bubba’s, this will end.  We’ll have routines and bedtimes to get back to. We’ll have school to get ready for.  Life with the boys will continue and I can’t be away from them during the week.  How Treun and I will navigate this is beyond me right now.  We both know it is coming and I think we’ve just both decided to enjoy the here and now and let tomorrow take care of itself.

One thing I noticed when I have him over for dinner is the wrongness of saying good-night to him and walking him out to his car.  It feels like I should be leading him back to my bedroom and going to sleep with him.  It feels like he belongs there.  If we continue our dinner together once the boys come home (which I hope we do) then that feeling will become even more intense.  How much more will we feel like a family when the boys are home where they belong?  If having Treun to dinner every night is what it takes to see him daily, that is what I will do.  It will also be so good for the boys to have that stable male influence in their lives.

Also, I think Treun and I need to have a talk about how he is going to fit into my life – my kids’ lives – once the boys come back.  So far he has shown that he doesn’t want just me in his life, he’s willing to take the package deal.

Will that continue?  I certainly hope so!

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