Feels Like Last Year

I’m alone in the house.  It’s beautiful outside.  I have all the windows open and I’m enjoying the warmth of summer.  I’m baking.  I’m cooking.  I have the music blasting.  I am happy.

Serenity had a function to attend this morning and had to be out the door by 7:30 am.  I woke up, got dressed, and ran to the grocery store. When I got home, Serenity was already gone.  I quickly texted Treun and told him I was alone.  He came over and we had a wonderful little romp.

I am still amazed at my craving for Treun.  I want him.  As much as I want him for the amazing sex, I want him for him.  I enjoy his company.  I like just being with him.  But, yeah, I really crave sex with him.  He’s opened up something in me and I am really enjoying our physical relationship.

Treun’s son is in town for the weekend so they wanted to spend some time together.  After our romp, he talked to me for a bit while I did some puttering around the kitchen then he left.  There was a few more items I needed to get from a different grocery store, so I took off to do that.  I came home to a still-empty house.  I opened the windows, turned on the music, and got busy in my kitchen.  I talked to Endellion on Skype for a bit.

Then it hit me.  I am alone!  Blessedly, gloriously alone.  I didn’t have to arrange it, think about it, scheme for it.  It just happened.  With the music playing and me baking in my kitchen, I started thinking how truly content I am right now.  Then it hit me….all of a sudden it feels like last summer.  Sure there are differences.  I know Sean won’t pop in the door any moment to see what I have in the oven.  I’m not sitting here dreaming of Luke.  I’m just enjoying being with my own company, preparing for an evening of food and friends.

And I think that is what reminds me of last summer.  For a few hours, I get to just be me.  I get to do something I enjoy.  For right now, this space in time, I’m simply Hope.  And like last summer, I am full of Hope!  Last summer I had hope of the healing I was so actively working on.  I had hope of seeing Luke and experiencing a sexual encounter like I’d never had before.  I had hope of restoring myself with some time to myself to just be me.

This summer I have hope of the budding relationship with Treun.  I have hope of finding wholeness because I’m continuing to heal and I’m now doing that with a partner.  I have hope of this good man loving me and me loving him someday.  I have hope of a happy future.

Last summer I wouldn’t have thought to sit down and document this feeling.  I hadn’t started this blog yet and though I was writing for myself, I was still in Processing The Shit mode.  I was not in Live Life to the Fullest mode.

I can see the similarities to last summer but I can more clearly see the differences.  I can see the year’s worth of healing I’ve done.  I can rejoice in who I am, who I’ve fought to become.  I can look around and honestly say, “Yes, sometimes life really sucks but for the most part, the majority of time, life is truly wonderful!”  There are still tough times.  There are parts of my life that I’m still trying to work out.  I’m still dealing with a psychotic, narcissistic, control mad ex-husband and trying to co-parent with him – that’s just part of my life.  I don’t let him get to me much anymore.  When he does get to me, I can better put it into perspective.

I’m not done healing.  I think I’ll be working on this for the rest of my life.  The difference is that now I can see the sun through the clouds.  Last summer that was just an abstract concept.  This year, the sun is shining bright and breaking through those clouds in bigger patches.

The rain still comes but the sun shines too!

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