The other night Shane’s therapist came over to have a phone session with Shane. The call was supposed to last 30 minutes then she was supposed to have 30 minutes with me. Treun and I had a date so I told him when I’d be done with the therapist and he headed over. The therapist and I tend to talk past our appointment time because we get along really well and enjoy talking. When Treun got there, we were still talking about Shane and how things were going. She asked me if Shane was still taking his meds so I had to email Bubba to ask.
My simple email asking Bubba if Shane was taking his meds as directed quickly escalated into Bubba attacking me about child support. He said that it was my responsibility to clothe and feed them while Bubba had them because that is why he pays child support. He told me that if I choose not to do that, he will take me back to court to reduce child support so that he can buy them clothes for when they are with him. He also told me that what he pays in child support is to go toward food and clothes and I am not spend that money on my boyfriend.
I had to laugh about that. First, I don’t have a boyfriend. Treun and I have not defined our relationship beyond the fact that neither of us is seeing anyone else. Technically, we are dating and he is not my boyfriend. Even if he was, it is none of Bubba’s business. Secondly, Bubba doesn’t understand that I’m responsible for providing for the children during my parenting time and he is responsible for providing for them during his parenting time. Thirdly, child support can and is used as part of my overall family budget. I pay rent and all my bills from that. I also save money and spend money on myself as I see fit. There is no delineation in what money is money I earn vs. what came from child support. Lastly, I haven’t been allowed to spend one penny on Treun. I’ve offered various times to pay and each time Treun refuses to let me. It just amuses me that Bubba thinks that I would support a man.
As we were sitting there and I was showing the therapist the crazy that comes out of Bubba, Treun was seeing it too. I responded very non-emotionally to Bubba’s email and got an even crazier one back. It never ceases to amaze me how I can email Bubba about the kids and he can attack me about something totally unrelated.
When the therapist left, I noticed that Treun was rather quiet. I asked him what was up and he said he was just overwhelmed by my life. I immediately pulled away because I thought he was going to break it off and walk out of my door forever. Instead, he rubbed my back and told me to breathe. I told him it wasn’t always like this. I very rarely had to interact with Bubba now and I just let the stuff he says roll off my back (after I get done laughing at the sheer absurdity of it). I couldn’t defend myself more than that. This is my life and I’m used to it.
I told Treun that if he was too overwhelmed and wanted to break it off to do it quickly, like removing a band-aid. Just rip it off all at once, don’t do it slowly and prolong the pain. He pulled me to him and told me he wasn’t going anywhere. Yes, he was momentarily overwhelmed but there were so many things about me to like that he quickly over came it. I simply don’t understand how one can simply get past that. He did. He realized that I’m important enough to him that he’ll take the good and the bad just to be with me.
Now I need to learn to trust that he really isn’t going to go away just because my life overwhelms him periodically. I need to not pull away each time he is honest with me about how he is feeling. I really do like that he can talk about his feelings openly with me. I need to trust him and that he isn’t going anywhere just because he has big feelings about something.
It will take time to learn to trust that. Right now, I’ll have to make myself trust him until it becomes second nature.
The more he shows me of his trustworthiness, the easier it will become.