Where Did This Come From?
I look back at when I realized that Bubba had been raping me for the majority of our marriage and how I decided that I’d never have sex again. I spent so many years avoiding sex and hating it that, to now realize it was really rape, threw me so far into a tailspin that I could never imagine recovering from that. I could never imagine opening up to a man again like that. I could never imagine being vulnerable to a man by opening up my body to him.
Now, with Treun, I’m simply amazed by how wonderful sex is. We’ve been having sex for two weeks now and I can never seem to get enough of him. And it isn’t just sex that I can’t get enough of. He touches me so much. The more he touches me, the more I want him to touch me. The more we have sex, the more I want to have sex. It just boggles my mind. Where did all of this come from? I almost don’t recognize myself.
Yes, I can see how I’d crave touch. I’m such a physical touch person that I crave it like a man in the desert craves water. I need it to survive. For me, touch is not merely something that happens in human interaction. Touch is a basic need, like water and food and air. I have to have it. Without touch, I start to die.
I’m totally blown away by the fact that I crave sex. I look at Treun and I want him. I never imagined that I could look at a man and want to run off to the nearest bed with him. Hannah and Arcadia were here yesterday and Hannah mentioned that she had cramps. Arcadia asked if she was getting her period and Hannah said no. Arcadia asked if she was ovulating and without even thinking about it I replied, “Every damn day.” That is almost what it feels like. Females are wired to desire sex during ovulation so that the species continues. Well, it feels like every day is ovulation day because I just crave sex so much. Treun just putting his hand on my knee is apparently enough to turn me on.
I’ll be looking at him and he’ll just grin. When I say, “Why are you smiling?” he’ll tell me that by the look on my face, he knows what I’m thinking. I’m starting to wonder what this look on my face looks like and if the world can see it. Do I give him this look in public? Do other people see it for what it is? It is absolute hunger for this man who has captivated me so.
I’m trying to figure out where this came from. Treun insists that I’m discovering who I am and coming into my own. I think it is more that I’ve been locked away and have finally found the man who holds the key. He’s unlocked something in me. I don’t know where it came from but it is here and I have to deal with it.
I think the best way to deal with it is to continue enjoying each other. I was always afraid that a new relationship would revolve around sex but I see it is different than I imagined. Yes, we both want to be together in that way often, but we have so many other common interests that sex is not what is holding us together. It is an amazing benefit but it isn’t the be-all-end-all of who we are together.
I may not know where this came from but I’m going to sit back and enjoy it.