Two Anniversaries and New Memories

The other day was the two year anniversary of the last time that Bubba raped me.  Two long years.  Two short years.  Two years of my body being MINE.

Treun and I were at lunch when I realized what day it was.  How much has changed in two years?  So very much.  Two years ago I was with a man who seemingly hated me.  I did nothing right, I wasn’t good enough, I didn’t measure up.  I lived my life in fear.

Now, I was sitting at lunch with this amazing man who treats me so wonderfully that often I’m brought to tears by it.

That evening we went back to his house after we separately did some errands and chores at our own homes.  It is still strange to me to want a man, to desire sex, to seek it out.  Yet, I find myself wanting him often.  I didn’t let the fact of this anniversary take away the fact that I wanted Treun.  We moved into the bedroom shortly after I arrived at his house.

At one point, he thrust and it hurt.  It was just something that happens sometimes. I winced and he stopped dead.  The look on his face was one of horror that he’d hurt me.  He immediately asked if I was ok and I said I was, the angle was just bad on that one.  The relief on his face that I was ok was immediate and honestly, I didn’t know what to do with that.  He was actually afraid to move for fear of hurting me more.  He waited for me to move beneath him and start the rhythm again.

Afterwards, I couldn’t hold the tears back.  They just started sliding down my cheeks.  I tried to hide them but he noticed.  He asked what the tears were about and I told him what the anniversary was and that I saw the look of concern on his face earlier and what it meant to me.  I told him I don’t know how to process this.  He just pulled me to him and held me and told me that *this* was what it should’ve always been like and that it will be like this from now on.

I don’t know how to process this.  It is so outside of my realm of experience that it just twists my brain around trying to figure it out.  Yes, Luke was the same way but it is different with Treun.  Where Luke was here for only a few very short days, Treun is here and seems to have no plans to go anywhere.  He wants me in his life as much as I want him in mine.  We are both thinking of a future together and exploring that possibility.

The next day was the two year anniversary of Bubba getting violent.  That morning I woke up and prayed that when we saw the psychiatrist that day, he would diagnose Bubba with something, he’d give Bubba a magic pill to start fixing him, or he would recommit Bubba to the hospital.  I had hope but the only hope I could muster that life would get somehow tolerable.  I had no hope of anything more than just to survive another day with Bubba and learn how to live in the misery that God had put me into.  (I still fight that particular Ghost – God never put me in that misery, that was all Satan’s doing.)  Now, just a short two years later, I woke up with hope that life will continue on this fantastical journey with this man who treats me like he cherishes me.

The contrast in the two anniversaries and the here and now is just astonishing to me.  I can actually say that now I’m truly happy.  Yes, life is still hard.  Yes, life still sucks horrifically sometimes.  Yes, life has its ups and downs.  But right now, having Treun in my life is making all the difference in the world.  He supports me, he helps me, he is fighting this fight with me even though he doesn’t realize he’s doing it.  Treun is fighting alongside me simply by showing me what a real man does, how a real man acts, how a real man treats people.  He is restoring my faith in men.  He is fighting the good fight solely by being the good man he is.

Two years ago I was living in hell.  Two years later and life is pretty spectacular!


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