Another Bad Dream
I had a dream last night that Treun looked like William Shatner (I have no idea where that gem came from) and that I walked in on him having sex with some redhead. She was everything I wasn’t. She was tall and curvy and her hair was the stuff of the covers of romance novels. They were both so nonchalant about the whole thing. She just stepped into my life with Treun. I watched how he treated her and it was how he treated me. He was good to her, caring, and I was standing there trying to tell her that he was doing the same thing to her that he did with me. I told her that if he cheated on me, he’d cheat on her too.
Then I had to get a shower and I realized that we were all sharing this house somewhere. I went to dry my hair and noticed that someone had broken it. It was the redhead. I knew she was the one who had done it because she was the only other one in the house. I told her I expected her to replace it and she said that she never touched my stuff. I was then looking for my hairspray and asked her about it. She again said she’d never touched my stuff but was actually holding it in her hand. I was furious. Treun just sat there and let this all play out like he had no part of it.
I clawed my way out of the dream but the emotions have lingered for over two hours now. I can’t escape them. The fear, the anger, the shame. They’re all with me. I don’t know how to get rid of them. I know this was a dream and that the way he acted in the dream is not the Treun I know. Why can’t I shake this?
I had a bad day yesterday. It seems that all the things that could go wrong yesterday just did. I lost my phone and once I found it, I dropped it on the wet ground. I got hit in the head by my own umbrella when the wind kicked up. I got soaked in the rain when I didn’t have my umbrella.
Then I got home from work and Treun invited me, Serenity, and her friend to go get ice cream. Suddenly, everything felt better. Treun makes my world feel right. Even in the midst of a terrible day, he settles me, he calms me, he steadies me. It is just his presence in my world that makes everything make sense.
In the six weeks that Treun and I have been together, not once have I been scared. Not once have I questioned this. It has felt right and good from the beginning. There has just been nothing scary about it….until now. I’m suddenly scared that he’s going to find out who I really am and he’s going to go away and take his peace and calm with him. I’m scared that he’s just going to realize that me and my issues are just too much for him to deal with. I don’t know where this fear is coming from, but it’s there. He’s showing me the exact opposite; he seeks me out, he wants to see me, he wants to be in my world yet I feel this unreasonable fear that he will leave my world.
I think the problem is that I’ve admitted to myself that I’m falling in love with him. It feels too soon, too quick. But here I sit thinking, “I could love this man for the rest of my life. I could see myself growing old with him. I *want* to grow old with him. I want him to be in my world and I want to be in his.” This isn’t a wild, out of control “in love” feeling. This is calm, rational, mature, I’m choosing to love this man.
I’m scared spitless. Not of loving him or being loved by him, no. That feels right and good. I’m scared of losing him. I’m scared of having a life without Treun in it. He is dear to me already.
I’m falling in love.