I was feeling brave today. I’ve been thinking about sharing my writing with Treun. I’m not ready to lead him here; I’m not ready to show him Hope yet. But I wrote for another blog at one point in my life. It is a topic unrelated to the abuse and the garbage I experienced in my marriage but it delves into who I am and what I believe about some parts of my life. This one belief has not changed through all I’ve been through.
I thought long and hard about this. The other night I was pouring over things I’d written and thought, “That would be great to share with him!” only to realize that if I did, he could easily find Hope through it. I’m not ready for that; I may never be ready for that. When I finally remembered these other writings of mine, I had to really weigh whether I was ready to share this part of myself with Treun. How would he view me once he read this? Would he think I’m a total whackadoo? I even said that to him after I emailed him the link. I told him I was ridiculously nervous about sharing it with him and he said there was no need to be. I told him that my family thought I was a whackadoo because of my beliefs.
For me, sharing my writing is almost more intimate than having sex. My writing is my soul. I bare everything I am when I write. I’m very emotionally naked in my writings. Whether Treun will understand this or not is anyone’s guess. I see sharing my writings with him as one of the biggest gifts I could ever give him. I am showing him a piece of my soul. I am revealing a part of me that would normally stay hidden behind anonymity.
He said he’d like to read what I’ve written because it will give him insight into me. He is interested in learning who I am. It still blows my mind that he sees me as a person, as someone of worth, as someone to care for and about. He wants to know *me.*
I sent the link and waited, breathlessly, for him to text and tell me what he thought. He said that his ex came to many of the same conclusions as I had. His middle child is so much like Shane. He’ll tell stories of his son as a boy and it just sounds so much like Shane. His son is a young adult now and is functioning in school so it gives me hope that Shane will succeed too.
So far, he’s read my stuff and doesn’t think that I’m totally crazy. I look forward to talking to him about it. I look forward to time passing and sharing more of who I am. I look forward to learning more of who he is.
For now, I will revel in the fact that I shared something very intimate with him and he responded in a positive manner.
Over and over he is showing me that he is a good man.