I was talking to someone at work and he recommended Jim Beam Red Stag. He said it was really smooth and said that I should give it a try. I bought some yesterday and mentioned to Treun that I planned on having a drink last night. He was visiting his son a couple of hours away and didn’t think he’d be home until late. He texted a bit later and said that they were going to see a movie and he’d head home right after, so he planned to be back in town by 8 pm and asked if I’d just like to have a drink at his house.
The idea appealed to me so I called Serenity’s friend’s mom and asked if she could spend the night. I know that once I have a drink I’m not driving anywhere and I didn’t want Treun to have to not drink so he could take me home. Once I got Serenity squared away for the night, I would be free to just spend the night at Treun’s house.
As soon as Serenity left, I took advantage of having the house to myself. I locked the doors and headed to my room. After making out so much with Treun lately and having all the stress of driving the boys to meet Bubba for his visitation, I needed a release. I also thought it would take the edge off and I wouldn’t be as tempted to actually have sex with Treun if I took care of myself before seeing him.
I’m still simply amazed with my body’s ability to respond. I’m still simply amazed that my body works, that I can orgasm without blinding headaches, and that masturbating is even something that I’m fine doing now. I can even say the word “masturbate.” I’ve come a long way in the past year and a half. I orgasmed three times yesterday then headed to the shower to get ready for Treun to pick me up.
We got to his house and I poured a drink and he got a beer out of the fridge. We sat outside and talked for awhile. I had just enough to drink that I was feeling loose and happy but not enough to cloud my judgement. I wanted to make sure I was still in total control of myself and that I could make decisions that I wouldn’t regret the next morning.
We eventually moved to the bedroom and while Treun stripped completely naked, I kept my panties on. Honestly, I didn’t think Treun would be ready to have sex yet as I haven’t had my check-up yet. It is scheduled for next week so I was shocked when he opened a drawer and pulled out condoms. I asked him if he was sure because I hadn’t had my check-up yet and he held them up and said, “This is why we’re going to be safe.”
Something about it felt right. I’m glad I didn’t drink much more than a shot because I was able to make the decision with a clear head that I wanted this man. I wanted to have sex with him. We are both looking at each other as potential mates and he’s said a few things that show me he’s looking at me being in his life long-term. Also, apparently, having taken care of myself three times just a few hours prior did nothing to dull the desire for him that I was feeling.
It was an amazing experience. He was loving and respectful and cared about ME. It wasn’t about him, it was about us sharing something together. It felt good and there wasn’t even a moment of any negative feelings. After the first time, I went into the bathroom, and when I came back out and snuggled up with him, he asked if I was alright. I told him I was better than alright. He said that he just wanted to make sure that I was totally ok. He was genuinely concerned for me.
We snuggled up and talked for awhile then we had sex again. The second time was even better because we had both loosened up a bit. At one point he said something about bending me over and I had a momentary blip of panic and before I could even form the thought, the words slipped out of my mouth, “Just don’t let me go away.” I don’t now where it came from. The Happy Place has not existed for me for a long time. It isn’t something I’ve even thought about in many months. But that position is triggery for me and my gut reaction still seems to be fear that I’ll dissociate. He didn’t understand what I’d said and asked me about it. I told him I’d explain later.
Later when we were snuggling I told him about The Happy Place. He held me tighter and I could feel the anger in him. It wasn’t anger directed at me. He was angry at Bubba for hurting me so much. He told me that I’d definitely know that I was with him and no one else from the past. He was very reassuring.
Luke and I were able to be in that position even though I wasn’t that far out from having burned down The Happy Place. It was a very real fear back then. I was able to hold his hand and keep myself anchored to Luke instead of allowing any other thought to enter my head. I have a feeling it will be so much easier with Treun. I’m so much more healed than I was this time last year. I think the gut reaction came out of the fact that I hadn’t told Treun about that particular issue yet. It was as if it became a non-issue once I verbalized it to him. I’m not afraid now. In fact, I’m eager to try it out with him. I’m eager to try out so many things with Treun.
We went out to watch t.v. for a bit since neither of us was really ready to sleep. We watched an episode of House Hunters then realized that we were, in fact, very tired. We crawled into bed together and I snuggled up against him. He told me that he liked to disentangle to sleep. I was perfectly fine with that. I rolled over and waited for sleep to come. Only, it didn’t.
I didn’t want to disturb Treun and I really wanted to process this with Endellion so I texted to see if she was still up. She was, so I sneaked out to the backyard and gave her a call. I think she was more excited about this turn of events than even I was! We talked for about 30 minutes, then I sat outside to enjoy the peace and quiet.
The stars were out and the nighttime sounds of insects was so peaceful. I sat there looking at the stars and I talked to God. I thanked Him for bringing this wonderful man into my life. I asked Him to forgive me for my doubt and to help me not doubt Him anymore. I was very honest about the fact that I was still struggling and wrestling with who He is and why so many bad things happen. I asked Him to please watch out for Endellion and to bring her the same kind of happiness that I’m finding with Treun. I think it was a good talk. I know it was long overdue. I’m still struggling in my relationship with God but I felt more at peace last night than I have in a long while.
This morning Treun and I woke up and started having sex again. He pulled out to change position and realized that the condom hadn’t come out with him. That was kind of a mood killer! I was easily able to get it out and we hopped in the shower. His shower was not built for two. But I guess that brings us closer together. We discovered that we’re going to have to compromise on the temperature. I like to boil myself in the shower and he is already warm-blooded enough that it really makes him hot for a long time to be in a hot shower. We decided that the next time, we’d have it comfortable for him and then he’d get out and I could boil myself to my heart’s content. I think that is a good compromise. It felt really good to be able to talk about our likes and needs and find a workable solution. It really wasn’t difficult at all to come up with that plan.
He took me out to breakfast. Then we went driving just to look at the different neighborhoods. Some of the houses we looked at were astonishingly huge! We have vastly different tastes in homes. Whereas he likes the looks of the larger homes, I’m quite content with smaller homes. It was just fun driving around, talking to him, and looking at all the different styles of houses out there.
I had a marvelous time. There is something nice about having someone sleep beside you. I found myself sleeping better the few times he rolled over and wrapped himself around me. In general, I slept very poorly but when he wrapped me up in himself, I sunk into oblivion and slept peacefully.
He’s already making a list of things he’s going to buy for me for his house. I think he expects us to have more sleep-overs.
I’m completely on board with this.
- Posted in: As Life Continues - My Story Now ♦ Second Year Divorced ♦ Sexual Abuse
- Tagged: boundaries, children, comfortable, dating, desire, emotions, enjoyable, feelings, friends, healing, Luke, marital rape, masturbate, masturbation, ownership, permission, responsibility, sex, sexual abuse, sleep, Treun, trigger, trying