It’s been two days since I finally sat down and wrote that post about being angry with God. Two full days since I admitted that our relationship was in trouble because of my lack of faith, my trying to puzzle out who God is, my letting FOO shit lead me further away from God.
It took one day for God to step in and speak to me. I was finally able to verbalize what was wrong instead of just laying on the floor and screaming and kicking like a three year old having a huge temper tantrum. Three things happened yesterday that brought home to me who God actually is because He so clearly spoke to me. I finally shut up enough to hear His voice, whispering to me, telling me He loves me.
First, Serenity and I drove the boys up to meet Bubba to start yet another extended visitation. She was finally able to talk Bubba into not going on this visitation because she has a life down here and it will pass her by if she leaves. She has commitments that she needs to keep. The exchange went like every other exchange – me sitting in the car and not even looking his way while the kids got themselves out of my car and into his. Serenity got out and hugged him and said hello. Within two minutes, Serenity and I were on the road again, heading home.
On the way home, she was flipping through radio stations and came to a song they used to sing when she attended a private Christian school. One of the lyrics was “He gives and He takes away.” My first thought was, “Yes with strong emphasis on the ‘taking away’ part!” Then a thought struck me. Right before we got to the meeting place, Shane had grabbed another fruit snack and I told him to put it away. I was going to feed him lunch in less than 10 minutes and he was trying to eat a snack. He was NOT happy about this at all, yet I took it away because it was not good for him.
What if that is what God has been doing. We have free will. We do things that God doesn’t like or approve us just as my kids do things I don’t like or that I approve of. Yet, I can’t stop them and I can’t protect them from everything. Yes, God could protect me from everything but would I experience the fullness of life if I was in some protective bubble that God made around me? No. I wouldn’t. No, I don’t like that bad things will and do happen to my kids because I can’t be with them 24/7 to keep that protective bubble around them. They have free will, they can think and act and make decisions even when those decisions are sometimes bone-headed. The same is true for me. God *could* step in and prevent me from doing things but He *won’t* because that is how I learn and grow.
God has not been taking things away from me just to spite me or hurt me. I can’t understand what His reasons are any more than I understand His reasons for allowing me to be hurt. But I can put it in the context of my relationship with my children and it starts to make more sense to me. Yes, He wants the best for me and knows what that is, yet I’m FREE and He won’t stop hurts from happening because, eventually, they will be turned around for my good and for His glory.
Second, I’d rented a car because a few things were wrong with mine and I didn’t feel safe taking it on such a long trip. I’d found a great deal on a one day rental and took my car to the shop to have the myriad of broken things repaired. The man at the shop told me he’d call me with the estimate before doing any work. When he finally called, the estimate he gave me was about $300 more than I expected. I jokingly asked if he had a “single mom” discount and he said he’d see what he could do. Everything that I was having fixed were issued that NEEDED to be fixed. None of the issues could be let go. I told him to go ahead and do the work.
He called back a few hours later to let me know the work was done and to tell me that I desperately needed new front tires. The cords were actually showing through mine. He told me it would be an extra $350 to have two new tires mounted and balanced and I told him that I really couldn’t swing that but I’d have it done that weekend. I had a friend of mine call for a couple estimates and found another reputable shop that could do it for $200. I called the man back and told him and he implored me to not drive it any more than absolutely necessary and absolutely no highway driving until I got new tires. He was so concerned about one or both tires blowing out. He was gracious about my need to have the tires replaced elsewhere and just seemed genuinely relived that I was going to have it done.
I just kept thinking, “The desire to rent a car was so strong that I couldn’t fight it. I just *knew* somewhere in me that I couldn’t take my car on that drive. There is no way that *I* couldv’e known there was an issue. That need to rent a car did not come from me. God was taking care of me.” I was so secure in the knowledge that somehow God was whispering to me to take advantage of this time to get my car fixed because He knew about the tires. He knew it wasn’t safe. I felt God’s protective hands on me and my babies yesterday.
Lastly, I got a massive surprise last night. When Serenity and I got home, I picked up her friend so she’d have someone here with her and I went to Treun’s house. We went swimming for a bit and when we were done he told me to just grab my stuff and change in his room. I was nervous about this as we’ve been strictly “waist up” so far. I’d been very firm in that boundary and knew I could trust him to stick with it until I chose to move beyond it. We’re heading toward having sex so, for me, getting the awkward “seeing each other naked for this first time” is better before we actually have sex than if we’d wait. I still have so many inhibitions that it helps to ease into things.
He was in the bathroom and I was changing beside his bed. I’d decided to just take off my top and not put my shirt on because we both knew it was going to come off anyway. I quickly took my swim suit bottoms off and put my underwear on. He came out of the bathroom and saw that I put them on and looked at me rather quizzically. I told him I put them on to remind me to behave myself. He just grinned at me.
We got into bed because we were both cold. We snuggled up and started making out. In so many ways we are like teenagers. We make out so much, avoiding sex and intimate contact below the waist. It feels like we are moving so quickly but I know, for adults who’ve been having sex for the majority of our lives, we are moving slowly. After a time, he took my hand and gently started guiding it down to his penis. I was nervous about this but excited at the same time. I know I could’ve resisted and he would’ve respected that. My curiosity tends to get the better of me though.
As I wrapped my hand around his length and started exploring, I noticed something felt different. I thought to myself, “No way! He’s an older man so nooooooooooooooooooo. It’s not possible.” Well, the impossible became the possible and then became the definite. I finally took the courage to look down and he, rather sheepishly said, “I know I’m one of those weird uncircumcised men.” My jaw hit his chest and I just started laughing in sheer delight. This was the one thing on my wish list that I’d absolutely given up on hoping for. The odds are stacked so far against me finding an intact man my age that I just decided to cross it off my bucket list and try to forget that just once I wanted to experience an intact penis. I said to him, “Boy do I have a story for you!” I told him the story of Endellion and I creating our “Man Wish List” and how I put that at the very bottom, almost as an afterthought because it was such a long shot.
I asked God very specifically, “God, if you’re feeling generous, let him be intact.” One day after I finally articulated why I was angry at God, it is revealed that God gave me my heart’s desire. Not only does Treun meet the vast majority of requirements from The Man Wish List, he even has the bonus!
I’m still struggling. This doesn’t magically solve all the issues and problems I have with God. But it gets me talking to Him again. It reinforces what I know – that He loves me.
Even when I doubt that love, that doesn’t change Him and who He is….anymore that when my children feel like I don’t love them, it doesn’t mean I love them less, only that they can’t feel it.