My Faith….or Lack Thereof
I’m angry at God right now. In fact, I’m not on speaking terms with Him at all. I don’t trust Him and in fact, think He’s actively working against me. It just seems that every time I think I’m getting something good, it gets yanked away from me.
Endellion said this is an ethical problem. How can I believe in an all-powerful being who is supposed to be good, but then allows bad things to happen to people? If He is so all-powerful and is so good, why does the shit keep hitting the fan in my world? Why do I constantly seem to be getting the short end of the straw here?
I thought that once I’d left Bubba, life would be so much better. The fact is that I’m struggling every damn day. I have to fight every day to eke out some kind of existence while fighting to help my children recover from the traumas they’ve lived through. I work, I take care of kids, I keep on keeping on because that is what I have to do. I’ve been doing it alone for so long that I simply don’t feel like it will be any different.
Now Treun is in the picture and I’m left wondering just how long it is going to be until he is yanked away from me. I’m enjoying his company entirely too much and I’ve learned that when I start to enjoy something, I don’t get to keep it. I guess it is that old Family of Origin (FOO) shit coming back to haunt me….I must be punished for my choices. I chose to leave Bubba, to divorce him, so I must reap what I sowed. I destroyed our family so I don’t ever get to have one. God is angry with me and He will punish me for going against His laws.
I know this is not the God of the Bible. I know it is the modern Fundamentalist view of God and that it is wrong. But the voices of the Ghost of Abuses Past is shrieking at me. It is telling me that Treun is going to go away. It is telling me that I won’t get to keep him because I like him entirely too much. It is telling me that I’m too broken for him to really want.
It all comes down to me thinking that if God is SO FUCKING GOOD, why isn’t He helping me? Why is He letting me get screwed over again and again? Where is this loving Father who wants the best for His children? Cause I have seen no evidence of Him lately. It feels as though He gave me help when I was escaping and now has washed His hands of me and said, “You’re on your own now, kid. Good luck with that.”
I guess this would be what people call a “faith crisis.” I don’t know. I simply know that I’m angry at God and I think He has turned His back on me. There are more important people in the world who need Him now and I’m too self-sufficient to garner His help or sympathy.
And as I typed that sentence I had a small epiphany. My views of God as my Father were shaped by my own father, Butch. It seemed that as I grew up and needed him less, the more he helped my sisters, Jill and Nancy. I became too self-sufficient for him. I remember when Bubba had already moved and left me alone with the kids and the house. When we finally got a move date, it was two weeks from when we had to move. Bubba was already a few hours away and it was left to me to pack the house alone. I’d told Celia and Butch that I wouldn’t be able to talk to them much over the next two weeks because I had to pack the whole house alone. Butch’s biting comment to me was, “Well, don’t expect me to come down there to help you. If Bubba can’t even help you then I’m not going to either.” Lovely. I’d been abandoned by not only my husband but also by my father. I was truly alone to pack.
I was blessed to have a friend from church who came over many days of the next two weeks and worked alongside me to get my house packed. Even with her eight children and my three running around, we got so much done! Still, it was not enough time to get everything done. I was so close but Bubba had to come home and it took the two of us, my friend and her husband, and two of our neighbors to finish everything the day before and the day of the move. Not only did we have to finish packing and moving everything out of the house, we had to clean it as we went. I look now and see the fundy in that too. The men were doing the moving while the women cleaned.
I’m trying to sort out who God really is. I think the more I learn to think logically the harder this is becoming. I’m in an ethical dilemma. The only way to put away the dilemma is with faith and my faith is surely lacking right now. It makes me angry because I *know* the miracles that I saw when I was escaping from Bubba. I don’t believe in coincidence. Yet, if God is arranging good things for me, why doesn’t He also let those good things get ripped away from me. How can He allow that?
How can I learn to trust God again? How do I fix this in my brain? I can’t pray about it right now. I can’t talk to God; I’m too angry to speak with Him right now.
I want my faith back but I don’t know how to find it.