I’m having trouble processing the sexual side of things once again.  Treun and I are heading that way.  How can two mature people who are both looking at each other as potential mates NOT be heading that way?  The closer we get to that possibility the more nervous I’m becoming.

In my experience sex ruins things.  Sex brings about the end of the relationship.  Bubba used sex as power and control.  It was never about us joining as a couple.  It was simply about him exercising his power over me.  It was awful and shameful and I’m so thankful that I had The Happy Place to escape to all those years.

Sex with Luke was so different.  It was fully consensual and I enjoyed it greatly.  But everything changed between Luke and me once we’d spent those few days together.  They changed quickly and dramatically.  Looking back now, I don’t know if it was him withdrawing from me or if it was simply me being unable to tell him how I felt for fear of his rejection.  I was so sure of the rejection, that no one could actually love me, that I clammed up and didn’t tell him how I felt.  I’m so glad we’ve gotten to the point where we can be friends without all the sex stuff hanging over our heads.  Luke is so special to me and I’m so glad our friendship has morphed into something comfortable and safe.  There is no more wanting on my part.  I’m over him, over wanting him, and I’m content to simply remain his friend.

We all know where sex with Steve led – to him revealing his bat-shit crazy streak.  His possessiveness and jealousy came roaring to life once he’s staked his claim on me.  I can think back now on that sexual experience and know that I simply wasn’t ready.  Yes, my body was ready but my mind was not.  I didn’t feel safe to tell him that I was hurting or that I’d like to try a different position.  No, I didn’t go to The Happy Place but I didn’t speak up for myself.

I’m scared to have sex with Treun.  Things will change between us, that is just an inevitable consequence of having sex.  I’ve never experienced that change to be a good thing.  I actually can’t imagine what life would be like if it is a positive experience.  To have a positive sexual experience and have it last and have the relationship continue is so beyond my realm of experience that it is not something I can make sense of.  I don’t know how to even believe it is a possibility.

Sex is a need.  It is a basic human drive.  I can’t deny it anymore than I could deny my need to breathe.  There are times when I hate that it is a need.  There are times that the need is so great that I want to throw caution to the wind and just find someone to have sex with.  The need was so great that I offered FWB to Sean, even when I knew it would NOT be good for me.

For now, I’ll try to resist temptation as long as possible.  I want Treun and I hope it will be a positive experience but for now, I can’t make myself believe that it will be.  I owe it to him to talk to him about where I am with these thoughts.  I want to be open and honest with him about how I’m feeling.

Maybe I’ll see if we can sneak away to talk this evening after I get Shane to bed.  We could go to the park and just walk around and talk.  I need to be able to tell him things like this.

If I can’t open myself up emotionally and be naked in that way, then I can’t be naked with him in the physical sense.

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