The Biggest Baddest Revisited

It was a beautiful day.  I’d decided to take the kids to the beach to enjoy the sun and sand.  I’d asked Treun to go and he said it all depended on what time we were going and whether his daughter had left for home yet.  His daughter lives several states away and had come to town for the night to have a graduation party and to see all the old friends she’d left behind when her parents divorced and her mother had moved her away.

Since my kids were ready to go and Treun’s daughter hadn’t left yet, he passed on going to the beach with us and instead, invited us over to swim in his pool when we got back.  Once the kids realized that they could be swimming in a real pool and that it would be at Treun’s house, they decided it was time to leave the beach and head home to clean up and go to Treun’s.

We got home and I threw their swimsuits in the washer so we didn’t get Treun’s pool all gross.  I ran to the store to do a bit of grocery shopping while the kids got cleaned up.  I came back and we were ready to go.  Treun had left-overs from his daughter’s party so he was going to feed us along with letting us swim.

The kids had a blast!  They opted to swim first.  Treun got in with them while I sat on the edge and dangled my feet as it is still too cold for me to get in.  Treun got out after about 30 minutes and we sat and watched the kids and talked.  Once he was changed and dry, we snuggled up on a bench together and just talked.  It felt so right to be there with him while my children played in the pool.  I imagine this is what being a real family would feel like.

The kids started demanding food so Treun and I got everything out and ready for them to eat.  They wrapped up in towels so that they could jump right back in after they ate.  They wolfed down their food and were back in the pool in about 15 minutes.  We let the swim for awhile longer and then I said, “It’s bedtime.  If I go home and get Shane to bed, I could sneak back over by myself.”  He said, “I was hoping you’d say that.”

We got the kids out of the pool and they all got changed.  They had some dessert while the changing process was going on.  We headed home and since Shane had had such a full, fun day, he fell asleep rather quickly.  I headed back to Treun’s as soon as I was sure Shane was asleep.

He was outside waiting for me when I got there.  He gave me a hug and kiss as a greeting and we walked into the house.  He took me into his arms and kissed me like a starving man, all the while backing me up toward his bedroom.  I told him the same rules applied – above the waist only.  My shirt and bra didn’t last long at all.  Very quickly, we were both shirtless and on his bed.  It makes me feel like a teenager again in so many ways.  The only difference is that at this age, I’m in control of my hormones instead of them being in control of me.

We’d make out for a little bit then snuggle up and talk for awhile.  The process would repeat itself over and over.  We talked about so many things that I can’t even remember today what the topics were. We got to a place where it was natural for me to tell him the Biggest Baddest.  At that point, I could’ve put it off for awhile but it wouldn’t have been the right or honest thing to do.  It was natural for me to tell him at that point in our conversation, at that point in our relationship.

He said that I’m constantly full of surprises and he didn’t see that one coming.  I could see him mulling over the implications.  He told me that I’m full of challenges that he’s really had to think about – from the implications of having been raped, to Shane’s issues, to Bubba’s continued mistreatment of me and the kids, to this now.  I told him not to make a decision about it, to think about it for awhile.  I know it is big and that it could very well be a non-negotiable for him.  I told him I’d understand if it was.

Soon after he mentioned that it was after midnight and I knew it was time for me to go.  He seemed to need some space to think and work through the Biggest Baddest.  He showed me out the door and kissed me good-night as I got into my car.  I pulled over and texted Endellion as soon as I was out of sight of his house.  I needed to talk to her and let her know that I might’ve just killed this blossoming relationship.  I needed to hear her tell me I’d done the right thing and that she was there, no matter what happened.

She didn’t text back so I figured she was asleep.  I was home in ten minutes and asleep five minutes after that.  My phone signaled a text around 1:00 and it was Endellion, telling me she’d been on the phone and I could call her if I was still awake.  We talked for the next 90 minutes.  I told her what happened and told her that I have a feeling that this is the straw that broke the camel’s back.  I told her of my fear that Treun can’t live with this and will tell me goodbye.

Endellion knows better than to tell me that everything will be just fine.  She acknowledged that my fears are very real and very valid.  She also said, from what I’ve told her, that Treun is a good man.  She said that she has a feeling he will mull this over and come to a conclusion that is right for him.  If he can accept me for everything then we’ll be on the road to an even stronger relationship because he seems to really value honesty.  If he can’t accept me for everything, then it is something HE can’t live with and doesn’t reflect on ME as a person of value.

Under it all, Endellion is convinced that Treun is a good man, that he’s a healthy man.  She even said that she thinks he’s had counseling since his divorce because he understands about boundaries and how to relate to me on so many levels that demonstrate he would be good in a relationship.

He texted as I was writing this to say good morning and we’ve been chatting.  I don’t want to get my hopes up but he doesn’t seem to be withdrawing from me.  Quite the contrary, he seems to be very reassuring.  Even after the big revelation last night, he asked if we were going to go back over to swim again today.  He’s a good man.  If he can’t live with the Biggest Baddest, he will still be a good man.

I also know that if he can’t live with this, I’m done dating.  I can’t go through this again.  I can’t put myself out there like this, hoping to find a good man and having it go to hell because of the Biggest Baddest.  Also, I understand how hard it is to find a good man.  I believe I’ve found one and the chances of that happening again are slim to none.  I will find a way to shut everything down and learn to be content on my own.

At least the Biggest Baddest is out there.  It no longer hangs over my head, waiting for the right time to bring it up.  The right time presented itself last night and I took it.

I just hope that Treun cares for me enough already that he can’t imagine his life without what we both see we can have together.

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