Insomnia Strikes Again!

I toss and turn.  I don’t sleep.  Sleep is elusive tonight.  Sleeps evades me like mist in the morning.  I see it, yet it evaporates when I get near it.  My mind is going in too many directions right now for sleep to be my friend.

 My mind is boggled and I’m not sure I know what to do with the information that is ricocheting around in my brain.

Treun asked me out for ice cream last night.  I told him I’d be free to go as soon as Shane fell asleep.  He said ok.  As soon as Shane fell asleep, I texted to let him know and he was immediately on his way.  He picked me up and we headed for the ice cream shop.

We ate our ice cream while sitting outside as we’ve started doing.  No, this isn’t the first time we’ve done this – I see weight gain in my future if we continue.  We talked about his kids, our exes, my kids, and a few other topics.  Talking to Treun is still one of the easiest things I’ve ever done.  Then he invited me back to his place to enjoy the evening in his backyard.  He has a lovely backyard so I agreed.

We sat in the backyard, talked, snuggled, and watched the bats fly around.  It was a gorgeous evening and it is very peaceful out there.  After about 30 minutes, Treun’s dog was ready to go back into the house and we knew he wouldn’t be happy if we put him inside and stayed outside ourselves.  We all headed back into the house where Treun and I snuggled on the couch with one very jealous puppy playing chaperone.  Treun’s dog absolutely loves me (which is weird because I’m not a dog person at all), but he will do anything to get in between us when Treun and I start kissing.

To get away from the dog, Treun led me into his bedroom.  I gave him my boundary – staying above the waist.  The chemistry between us is growing.  I am worried about how fast it is growing at this point.  I’m still thankful that it wasn’t a raging inferno from our first kiss like I had with Sean or even a big flame like I had with Steve.  This chemistry with Treun started out as an ember and has been fanned into flames that are getting progressively bigger.  They are still rather small, comparatively speaking, but they are there and they are growing.  Treun and I are feeding them well so it is only logical that they would grown.

I find myself working hard to contain the moans that so desperately want to escape from my throat.  When he was kissing my breasts last night, I wanted to just fall into it and let myself go.  I held back.  I knew that with any encouragement from me, those flames had the possibility of leaping to heights that I’m simply not ready for yet.  I contained myself, I resisted the urge to let go and just feel.  I held myself in check and found it to be very difficult.

Treun is huge with physical touch.  He seems to really like touching my legs.  I’ve come to accept that I have very nice legs and very soft skin.  I understand why he likes touching my legs.  As we were making out, he was caressing my legs.  He got a little too close to the top of my legs and the flight response kicked in.  I pushed him away and tried to get up.  I felt the scream enter my throat but held it back and simply said, “NO!”  My right arm was stuck under him so I didn’t get very far.  It turns out that I didn’t need to get very far because he stopped immediately and just laid there for a minute.

Then he shifted his position so that he was laying down with his head on his pillow and he gently pulled me up next to him.  He didn’t say a word, just held me while stroking my arm.  After a few minutes, he asked what was going on with me, what I was thinking and feeling.  I was a little boggled by that.  I haven’t had men ask me what I was thinking, let alone ask what I was feeling.  I told him I was really hoping he wasn’t mad at me.  He asked me if he looked mad.  Honestly, he didn’t.  Again, he was radiating peace and calm.

I’m becoming more and more convinced that a person cannot radiate that much peace and calm unless that is actually what the person is made of.  Honestly, I don’t know what to do with this.  My past experience tells me that men get angry when I tell them no.  My past experience tells me I have no right to say how my body will be used.  My present experience is not that.  At all.

Luke gave me insight into this when he visited last year.  He was the first man to ever respect me and my right to say how my body was used.  I could’ve gotten used to it had we had more time together.  As it was, with those short days that we had, it all seems like a dream now.

Now I find myself in a position of being heard and respected and the possibility of it being long-term is more than my brain can process right now.  I simply don’t trust that it will stay this way.  I sit here wondering when Treun’s calm and peace will evaporate and he’ll start demanding what he wants.  This isn’t what he’s shown me so far but trust is not something that comes easily for me.

Time will tell.  Time will reveal if he truly is the man he seems to be or if this is an elaborate act.

I just have to find a way to sleep until then.

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