I was scattered all morning at work. I felt like I was just spinning my wheels. I was so busy and felt like I was accomplishing nothing. It was very frustrating and at lunch I decided to take some caffeine teabags to work. Maybe I’d try some caffeine and see what happened. Treun and I had snuck out for Starbuck’s and after that caffeine, I slept like the dead. I thought I’d experiment and see if it would help the scattered feeling.
I got back to work and remembered that I had some cold-brew tea bags in my desk. Since it’s been so hot, I decided to go with that instead of hot tea. Wow! I had that glass of iced tea and felt like I was getting so much done! It also felt like I was moving at normal people’s speed. To me, it felt like I was actually moving in slow motion, but I realize that I was moving at a normal pace. When I clocked out and walked across the parking lot, I noticed that I was staying with the people walking alongside me instead of passing them all up.
I got home, made sure the boys had eaten, and decided to do my nails. I had two that were peeling on the edges, so I had to cut them first. After I’d cut and filed them, I put the clear coat on. Then I remembered that I wanted to color my hair. I got that smeared in then walked out to the kitchen to paint my nails. There I discovered that there were really, really dead bananas on my counter top. I cleaned those up then remembered that I had to pay bills! It took me 15 minutes to remember my sign-on, which upped my frustration level. All this time I was texting with Treun. I finally got done with everything then remembered that I forgot to paint my nails.
Treun commented that my thoughts were all over the place. I agree. I’m back to being scattered. I can’t name whatever I’m feeling right now. I just don’t know. I think it has to do with Sean’s visit last night but I can’t put my finger on anything. I am out of sorts. Nothing sounds good to eat so I didn’t eat dinner. I’m just all over the place.
Treun and I do not have plans yet for this weekend. I have no idea if we are doing anything or not. I feel funny asking him if we’re going out so I just don’t say anything.
Under it all is that feeling of wanting to run away. Maybe I’m just tired. Having a night off was just a teaser and I want more time off. I still haven’t heard from Bubba beyond his crazy text of the other night. He hasn’t committed to getting the boys for the summer. I just don’t know what is going on.
Sean’s visit threw me. He said he’ll always be my friend. Does that mean that he’s going to try to come over and sit and chat with me on my porch again? I don’t know that I can handle that. I don’t want him. I don’t want him near me. I do not want to be sucked back in. I’ve spent too much time and energy getting over him and losing our friendship that I can’t go back into it. I can’t risk that maybe our hands would brush and the electricity would spark once again. I don’t want that out of control feeling anymore. I don’t want him to touch me. I want him to leave me alone.
I’m scattered. I can’t pull out any actual emotions. I’m at loose ends and out of sorts. I guess it’s just one of those times that I need to simply accept that I feel somehow and I can’t name it.
I think that is okay.