I came home for lunch yesterday and Sean’s truck was across the street. I was late getting home and I was so hungry so I ran into the house with barely a thought more than “Oh, he’s back. That’s weird.” He’s rarely been there since he moved out.
When I got home from work, his truck was gone. Somewhere during the evening, he came back. I got Shane to sleep and decided that I really didn’t care whether he was there or not. I wanted to take my computer out and sit on my porch and enjoy the gorgeous evening. I’d been sitting there for about 40 minutes and was talking to Endellion on the phone when Sean’s mother Rose’s car pulled in. He got out of the car and I heaved a great sigh of relief that he hadn’t actually been in the house the entire time.
Endellion and I kept talking. I picked up my mug of water and had a fleeting thought that it was getting dark and I hope a bug hadn’t landed in my mug as I took a drink. I felt something rub up against my lip and jumped out of my seat. By the light of my screen, I looked in my mug to find a tiny sliver of ice cube left. I threw my head back and laughed at my own goofiness. I told Endellion what I’d done and we both laughed. That is when I looked up and saw Sean walking across the road toward me. I whispered to Endellion that he was on his way over. Inside all I could think was, “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.” After all these months, why is he coming over now?
I told Endellion I’d talk to her later because, let’s face it, I’m entirely too curious and I really wanted to hear what he had to say. Call it morbid curiosity or just sheer stupidity, I just needed to hear this.
He started out by telling me that a few months ago he went off all his meds; his anti-depressants, his mood stabilizers, his pain pills. He just stopped taking them all. He laid in bed for two weeks. He ruined friendships, understands that, and is making amends. He came over to apologize for what happened between us. As he was talking, I was trying to decide what to do with this information. He said he will always be my friend and that he’s sorry he hurt me. He said that no one in his family even noticed that he wasn’t getting out of bed. He said I even peeked my head into his room and said hi but that he didn’t respond to me. I told him I absolutely did not do that. I told him that once he left my house that last night, we talked on the phone once and that was it. I haven’t gone near him since.
I know it probably wasn’t wise, but I asked about her. He said they aren’t getting married and that they’ve only been seeing each other for less than two months. I called bullshit on that. I told him I saw him kissing her just a couple short weeks after our last conversation. I couldn’t ask where he was living now. I couldn’t ask if he was living with her. They may not be getting married, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t playing house.
He says he’ll always be my friend, no matter how I feel about him. I told him, again, that we can’t be friends. We talked about how explosive the kissing was. We talked about our last conversation. He talked about the laundry room. At one point he said that when he kissed me, he didn’t see it coming – how it would feel, the explosion, the electricity and he’s pretty sure I didn’t see it coming either. Oh, he’ll never know how right he was about that.
He was sitting a few feet away from me and I was grateful that I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t feel the pull, the chemistry. God, I miss him. Still. I miss those nights talking to him on my porch like last night. I miss being his friend. I miss the off beat and off-the-wall things he says. I just understand now that we can’t be friends.
I showed him something on my computer and when he knelt down beside me, the urge to touch him, to kiss him, was near overwhelming. That instant cemented the fact that we can’t be friends. The chemistry is still there, I think it always will be, I’ve just got it contained where it can’t hurt me anymore. A bit later we were talking about the laundry room and how he still believes that Serenity had no idea that we were in there together. He said, “I could’ve had you up, holding you by your thighs (while holding his arms up giving a clear indication of what he meant), and she never would’ve known it. Actually, she may have because I don’t think you’d be very quiet.” I turned beet red and he realized what he’d said and went totally speechless. I’m pretty sure we both had the same reaction to that little visual.
Instantaneously, I was on fire. Fuck. Yeah, the chemistry is still there. No, we can’t be friends.
If he thinks we can be friends and not end up in the same situation as we found ourselves in before he’s just downright delusional. The chemistry may be buried and contained right now, but if he so much as touched my arm with his hand, Pandora’s box would open and all hell would break loose. Neither of us expected or could have predicted the sheer force of what we felt and neither of us would be able to contain it again.
All I could think of while my body was screaming for him for those few moments before I got it under control again was, “I can’t do that to Treun. I have a chance at something special with him and I’d never forgive myself if I gave in to anything with Sean.” I was unpacking that later with Endellion and said, “Why did I think that in that instant but I’ve been texting with cute IT guy all day and that didn’t bother me.” She explained that Treun and cute IT guy are on a level playing field. I’m looking at both of them the same way – I’m dating Treun and hoping to date cute IT guy to explore that. With Sean there is no future, there is only mindless passion and regret. There is only angst and pain with Sean. He never was and never will be good for me.
I still don’t know how I feel about Sean’s visit and our conversation. It feels like too little, too late. I didn’t tell him I’m dating. I didn’t tell him about Treun. I could’ve. I could’ve told him that I found someone and I’m exploring if a relationship with him is possible but I decided not to. It seemed cruel somehow. Besides, my life is no longer his business.
This morning, I’m trying to pick out my emotions. Regret. Sadness. Well, those are the only two I can pull out. Regret for the friendship we had, regret that kissing ruined everything because it woke something up in both of us, regret that we’ll never again be friends. Sadness that what we had was lost, sadness that our lives are no longer connected, sadness that neither of us could be who the other needed because the sex would’ve been amazing. I still am at war with myself.
Part of me wishes we’d had sex because I have a feeling it would’ve been that mind-blowing sex that Luke always told me about. Part of me is grateful that we didn’t because I don’t have to worry about another man never measuring up to that level of chemistry.
I’m just down today. Saying good-bye to the past is hard work.