“Can You Let Yourself Be Loved?”

When Treun and I were talking the other evening, he asked, “Can you let yourself be loved?”  I told him it was all I ever wanted.

This question has been rattling around in my brain since it was asked.  At first, I really didn’t give it much thought other than to think it was a weird question.  How hard is it to be let yourself be loved?  Well, the more I think about it, the less I know the answer to the question.

I was talking it over with Endellion and we’ve come to the conclusion that even though we know we are capable of feeling and giving great love, neither of us are sure if we can receive love because we have never experienced it.

Yes, I it is all I’ve ever wanted but my experience with being loved is extremely twisted.  What I always viewed as love was truly about power and control.  It wasn’t about loving Hope for Hope.  It was about manipulating Hope with the right words/actions to keep Hope right where she needed to be.  There was no love for Hope, the person.  The inner core of who I am was never loved, never cherished, never protected.

Can I let myself be loved?  To be honest, the concept is so foreign to me that I don’t know how to answer it.  Yes, I want to be loved.  I just don’t know what that means.  What does it mean to be in a position where another person is putting me first?  Sure, I have plenty of experience putting someone else first as it is the only thing I’ve ever done.  I’ve worked through the garbage associated with that.  Not only was I taught that this was the correct and only way of doing things, up to and including always putting myself dead last, but I’m naturally a very giving, loving person.  I would naturally give you the shirt off my back if you needed it.  The difference now is that I can tell if you truly need that shirt or if you simply want it because it is mine and you want to hurt me by taking it away.  At least in theory I can tell the difference.

Could I let Treun love me?  Again, in the interest of total honesty, the “L” word scares the ever loving daylights out of me.  I’m still struggling to believe in love, romantic, selfless love.  I know, absolutely, that I’m capable of it myself, but I don’t believe that a man is capable of feeling and acting that way to me.

Is this fair to Treun or anything other man out there?  No.  I acknowledge that.  Does that mean he will have to work extra hard to prove himself to me?  No.  It means, if he is the nice guy I think he is, he will just have to continue to be that nice guy until I learn to trust him.  He’ll have to be patient.  He’ll have to be understanding.  He’ll have to care more about me and what I need than about him and his wants.  My need to go slowly, to get to know him, to not have sex with him anytime soon are not wants – they are bona fide needs.

I’m not looking for fireworks and sparks.  I’m looking for stable and steady.  That is what Treun seems to be right now.  I’m looking forward to getting to know him better, to see if we’d be compatible.  It’s too early to tell but I enjoy spending time with him.  We never seem to run out of things to talk about.

I hope this continues.

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2 Comments

  1. I’ll continue to hope things go well for you. It can be hard when things have not been normal for so long to get used to normal. Don’t beat yourself up too much. Even wanting something as simple, or what should be simple, as just to be loved; can be difficult. I’ve been talking to “someone” for a couple of years now and it probably took me about a year to get comfortable being able to talk to them without fearing they would get mad about anything I said. Normal is being able to speak up, have opinions, and ask questions; but it wasn’t what I was used to in my life. This person would sometimes pick up that there was something I wanted to say, but was hesitant, and they’d tell me to “speak up”. Something so simple, that’s been missing for so long, that still brings tears to my eyes. Over years I’d lost my voice, but I’m finally finding it again.

    • Yes, that is it exactly – finding my voice again. I still struggle with this in most of my relationships. The only relationship I have right now where I freely speak my mind is with Endellion. I hold back parts of me from everyone else except her. She’s seen the best and worst of me as I’ve seen the best and worst of her. I hope to someday have that type of relationship with a man. It will be truly amazing.

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