The Third Date and The Fallout

I got Shane to bed and snuck out to meet Treun for some ice cream.  We sat outside and ate and talked.  It was a beautiful evening and the conversation was, once again, very interesting.  Treun still gives me the impression of being stable, steady, solid.  He worries about his kids because right now, they aren’t speaking to each other.  I see it as a case of nobody wants to be the first one to apologize.  It’s a shame and it breaks Treun’s heart that he can’t fix it.  He just has to sit back and be supportive and be there for each of his children.

After we were done eating we continued talking and Treun scratched my back.  He rubbed my neck.  He told me before that he enjoys cuddling and caressing.  He wasn’t kidding.  I had to force myself to relax because it did feel really good.  I miss touch so very much.  Then he leaned in to kiss me.  I pulled back and said, “Hey!  I thought you were going to let this up to me.”  He said something about being in the moment and I realized that I did want to kiss him.  Let’s face it, I miss kissing too!

We didn’t kiss long but my insides were shaking.  I was fighting the fight or flight response.  He gently put his finger under my chin and tilted my face up to look at him and he asked me if I was ok.  I told him that I was and that I was trying to decide how much to tell him to help him understand why I am the way I am.  He simply told me to tell him or not whatever I was comfortable with.  I point blank looked at him and said, “I told you my ex wasn’t a nice man.  The fact is that he raped me for 15 years.  I wasn’t allowed to say, ‘No.’ or have any say in what he did or didn’t do to me.

Looking back on that scene now, I know I was subconsciously trying to scare him away.  I told him with an almost dare in my voice.  “Go ahead, I dare you to stick around and see what kind of a mess I am and see how long it takes you to run away once you realize…..”  Will the fallout from my revelation come sooner or later?

Treun gathered me up in his strong arms and just held me.  I could feel a depth of emotion in him that felt like protectiveness.  At least that is what I think I felt.  He said that love is something that was meant to be shared and that I should be cherished.  I told him that I need to know that if I ever say, “Stop,” that I know he will.  He told me that I don’t have to worry about that with him ever.  If I tell him to stop, he will.  Well, a girl can hope that he’s being honest.

What gets me is that simple touches make me angry.  I shouldn’t feel like this.  Please don’t tell me I have a right to feel this, that isn’t the point.  The point is that I should NEVER have been hurt to such a degree that the slightest, innocent touch can wreak havoc on my psyche.  I feel like Pinocchio… I want to be a real girl!  If I was a real girl, this wouldn’t be an issue.  If I was a real girl, there would be simple joy in meeting new people, in having my back scratched while sitting outside at the local ice cream shop.

I’m angry that it is this hard.  I’m angry that a nice man kisses me and even if I enjoy it my insides freeze up and I feel all the fibers of my being shaking because they are all screaming, “DANGER!!!!!”   I had to force myself to relax enough to enjoy the feel of his hand on my back.  I did enjoy it but I had to force down the wrong instincts that had me wanting to jump up and run away.  They aren’t real instincts.  They aren’t the instincts I was born with – the ones Gavin DeBecker talks about his book, The Gift of Fear.  These are the instincts that were planted in me for living in danger for two decades.  The only way I’m going to beat them down is to force myself to dig deeper and find the real instincts – the ones in me that aren’t currently screaming because Treun is a nice guy.

I do know that I need to tell Treun that I’m really not comfortable kissing right now.  I need more time to get used to him, used to being touched.  Kissing, to me, is too intimate.  I’m not ready for it yet.  I think I need to work up to this slowly.

I see real potential for something to come of this with Treun.  It terrifies me.  I want to take this slowly and get to know him.  There was a spark there when he kissed me.  It wasn’t on the level of the chemistry I felt with either Sean or Steve and I actually count this as a good thing.  I don’t want that kind of fireworks in my life because I get burned.  I feel comfortable with Treun.  I want to remain comfortable.  For now, that means pulling back a bit.

We’ll see how he reacts to this.

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